Sunday, March 06, 2005

All Clues, No Solutions

I regretably went to work today. I was still very much sick. Not the kind of sick where you're coughing and sneezing, the kind of sick where all of your energy is drained and you don't want to get out of bed. Good news is that it was slow and I didn't have to do much. The bad news is that it was slow, and I didn't make much money. Made enough though I suppose. I was in such a pissy mood I about screamed at this guy on the phone that I couldn't understand to take the fucking marbles out of his mouth if he wants to order a pizza. I was pissy, and then I was depressed.

I got depressed when this woman came in looking for her 15 year old daughter who had been missing for a week. She had 'missing' flyers; she gave us one to show to everyone. On the flyer under her picture along with all the description stuff said that she was severely depressed and needed medication. The whole thing made me get a sick feeling in my stomach. Partially because I know these types of things usually don't end up well. Mostly though, it bothered me because I think this was the first time I've ever come face-to-face with someone in that situation. My mind chews on a lot of things at once. Every day crime isn't one of them; robbery, kidnapping, murder, these types of things. I think about bigger issues; maybe that makes me a bit of a pompous prick, I don't know. Maybe it bothered me so much because I couldn't immediatly attribute this particular problem to a bigger one. It might have ties to a bigger problem, I don't know...but the point is, with the information that was given to me, I can't see one. Either this girl ran away due to her depression, or she was kidnapped, or murdered, or all 3. It's a lot easier to broadly say that a larger problem is the general cause of smaller scale ones than it is to specifically come up with a reason when it's right in front of your face. I guess that's why people ask "why why why" when something awful happens to them or a loved one. Yes, there probably is a "reason"...but like me today, when the ultimate result of that "reason" is right in front of your face, it isn't at all easy to see. It wasn't easy for me to see, and I only got a fraction of the emotional confusion that her parents have I'm sure.

Sometimes I feel like I want to talk to these kids that I hear about who are going through severe depression and anxiety and find out if it's anything like I experienced.

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