Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Sometimes I think I'm repeating myself in these things. Ah well, what can you do. I just finished writing the rough draft of an english paper that's due tomorrow and I couldn't be more apathetic.

In theory, I like change. I like the idea of it; the concept behind it. I know I'm being very general but I'll get to my point in a moment. What is it about change that I think is positave? I dunno...I supose it gives us the opportunity to grow, to learn something new. I supose just even so we won't get so bored. (note to self: I really hate using the term "we" as-in "human kind",try to avoid it in the future) I must stress that in THEORY I like change. In reality, I seem to hate it. It scares the shit out of me. It makes me sick...literally, I get nausious. New poeple, places, foods, TV shows...all of it. I like my routines. I like watching the same movies over and over again (and yet I buy new ones all the time...but it that really "change"? I'll get to that...) I like sitting in the same booth and my favorite resturant ( that I go to all the time as my routine ) I like buying the same brand of clothing, bottled water, CDR, etc. I like my work schedual to be regular (have the same days off, same shift times). I like wearing the same hat all the time (though it smells pretty bad, I should wash it). Why though? Some people might call this obsurd, I call it quirky...but whatever. The reason is, I want to be remembered for things. It doesn't matter to me if I'm remembered for curing cancer or always wearing the same brand socks, just as long as I'm remembered. And I figure the more of these quirks I have, the greater the chance someone will remember them. I honestly don't think this way on a councious level and it's just a theory really, but it's a plausable one. Why do I get scared at change? Because I'm comfortable I guess. I personalize everything around me, or at least I try to. And it seems to me the longer something in my life in consistantly there, the more personal it becomes. Maybe it's just because I remember people in this way. I'll remember my boss's bright pink blazer . I'll remember my dad's alarm clock that he's had for 20 years that makes the same sound every morning at 5:30. I'll remember my grandfather's "Uncle Sam" coin bank (you'd have to see it). These little things make up our lives, and some people don't even think about them. I have trouble letting myself delete old emails because I think they're somehow a part of me now. Not just junk either, whole people. I psychologically "personalise" people too. But just very general things about them. They are part of what makes up my universe, and presumably I am somewhat overlapped in their universe. You can't just go around removing and moving things in that universe. You should need a signed permit or something. I'm writing this for a couple reasons. One being that someone in my family might be sick. I'm not sure. Nobody tells me much.

Whenever change is inevidable, I eventually adjust, cope, and personalize the new situation (in my pysche, I hate when people paint their names on their mailboxes). But I do so with the feeling the world will never know about the old situation, almost as if it never happened.

I like these orange pants I'm wearing right now. I want to be burried in them.

I could look at this "change" thing from a few different angles. Another angle is my irrational paranoia of day to day occurances. It's like..."Hmmm...I know you, you're ok...but you...I don't know you, you might be plotting to steal my kidneys..."

I have class in the morning and I have so much to catch up on. Goodnight Sharon (that's what I named my computer).

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

I don't really like the abrasive self. I don't like getting pissed off, acting pushy, or like a general asshole. First of all, it doesn't work too well for me. I'm not a "macho" person by any means. Me acting like an asshole comes off as someone who's not an asshole trying to act like one. Which, in a way, makes me seem like even more of an asshole...because then that shows direct intent. I don't like yelling. I don't like being yelled at. I like speaking in a calm, relaxed tone. Even laughing can be unsettling for me at times. I like breathing, not hyperventalating or suffocating. I'm the kind of person who likes the journey more than the destination. I like the imagined more than the real. I find art and the surreal in everyday things.

And I worry, I fear, and I panic at the sight of EVERYTHING.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

A series of new DVD reviews:


This moive made me smile. I am unsure why this movie flopped in the theatres (there is a bonus documentary about it's troubled upbringing on the disc). Crispin Glover plays Willard Stiles, a loner with a sick mother and a dead end job at his late father's company. As his depression and madness spirals, he discovers he can control the rats in the basement that his mother wants him to exterminate. Willard now his own army to do his bidding. And whats a good horror film without themes of revenge, mistrust, and betrayal; only in this case it's also the rats getting revenge,and do the betraying.

The movie has a very antiquated feel which makes for a spooky and unsettling atmosphere. Crispen Glover as Willard is simply too perfect.

Matrix Reloaded:

I won't say too much about this, because I'm sure most people have either seen it, or are not interested in it. I think it's better than the original. The story is bigger, the characters are deeper, and the visuals more stunning. There's some nice bonus material: Previews for Revolutions,several 'making of' spots, commercial developemnt etc. I was amazed at the crispness of the dvd transfer.

and now the one I really wanted to talk about...

Scarface (20th anniversary edition)

I had never seen this movie before I bought it. I consulted a few co-workers on it before buying it and assured me it was a classic, and it may be...but...I will outline my likes and dislikes...

-Tony Montana (obviously). I now understand why this was such a popular character. The guy is smart, ruthless, determined, and has got balls of steel.
-The remastering. The movie was made 20 years ago but almost looks like it came out yesterday.
-I get the whole American Dream gone haywire message. It's a good message, but I don't think it was emphasised in the ways it should have been in the movie.

-The sound. Yeah, I understand it's an early 80's movie, but there seems to be too many inconsistancies and fluxuations in the mastering ( and this is the remastered version). Bad choice of music, I would have taken the movie alot more seriously if the soundtrack was scored instead of taking whatever was popular in 83 and shoving it in the backround. It ruins it's timelessness.
-Disturbing. At the same time this is one of my likes. It's very depressing. Anytime a movie shows the ritzy upper class I find it depressing for some reason. Not so much a fault of the movie as it is a personal turn off.
-Manolo (manny). He seemed too pretty-boy-ish and not gangster enough.

In closing, I think Scarface is good, but overrated. Not a personal classic to me. (yet)

Sunday, October 05, 2003

My dreams are pretty shallow. They're usually about something I'm nervous or insecure about. However I keep having a reoccuring flying dream. It's not like normal flying though. Not like Superman. It's more like, being at the bottom of a swimming pool, and kicking yourself up to the top. The sensation doesn't feel supernatural in any way. It feels as though when I wake up I could do it. It feels like it's something you have to learn, not something gifted to you. And, per usual of me, these dreams are always accomapied by a sense of panic. It feels like my heart is going to leap out of my chest. This last flying dream was also accompanied by a shallow recurring theme of me beating the shit out of someone with my bare hands (I won't mention who). I've never felt so much raw anger. I want to break something now.

Friday, October 03, 2003

So very bored. Just got off a slow night at work. The site revamp is coming along slowly. Running into many many many bugs that I didn't know existed. School is interesting. 2 of my classes are 3 hours and 45 minutes long once a week. By hour 3 I'm ready to start slittin some wrists. And not nesisarily my own. In marketing we got into an hour discussion on why they put toys in happy meals. People in my class were saying things as if previously it were a big secret that kids like toys and subsequently want happy meals. When I found the meaning of life it was slightly more prfound than that. 2/3 of that class are church going zealots who are persuing marketing or business majors, for some reason them taking an interest in something as shallow as business and marketing doesn't suprise me. You don't see too many zealots in physics classes. I wrote down in a servey for my english class that I keep a journal...somehow I doubt my teacher had this in mind.

My my I'm bitter tonight.