Tuesday, April 08, 2003


I think in mathematics. I try to find patterns and forumals. Faces, events, and places don't mean much to me. Names of roads are useless, their numbers are helpful. The only way I can remeber if I talked to a person is if I can put them at a certain place on a certain date; their faces mean little to me at first. Events are a blur; one day to the next is the same to me. I couldn't tell you what year I had my first girlfriend, I'm not even sure how old I was. I know how old am right now. I only know when I graduated highschool by a number, when somebody askes me how long it was, I have to do subtraction in my head. It's been 3 years, but it seems like a lifetime. You would think time would go by pretty quick for a person with bad memory, but it's just the opposite. When time has little relevance it's like, you just are in your life. You're not one place here and another place there...you exist in your entire life all at the same time. I can remember being 5 just as clearly as I can remember being 20. Now the formulas... I try and figure things out by looking for patterns; a set way to operate, and algorhythm to everything that I do. I have one for driving, and eating...I think I've got those down pretty good. Perhaps algorhythm is the wrong word because you should be able to apply one to some what's variables change from day to day. Or perhaps I just havn't come up with a complex enough algorhythm. I think I mentioned driving; I'm fine as long as I go the same way every day; But if a road is closed and there's a detour, it's a nightmare. I can sort out cardinal directions, there's only 4 so that's easy. I can go in one direction untill I recognize a road name...but if it doesn't have an exit number or mile marker there's a good chance I'll make a turn too early and get lost again. I try to find patterns for work too...try to find systems so I can go faster...but it's the little things that slow me down...where did l leave stuff, where am I at...wood or plastic, which way.....Usually I can sort it out in a few minutes..but that's still a few minutes lost, and everyone is in such a goddamn rush for everything. I guess when you have a clear perception of time, it's different, it's a factor and something you live by. I havn't found any deffinate patterns yet. I'll keep looking.