Saturday, April 24, 2004

Things that I want to write about keep slipping my mind, so I think I'm just going to write. I saw kill bill vol 2 the other day, and it was amazing. I knew it was going to be different than the first one but it still wasn't what I expected it to be. I can't wait for the DVD release. Apparently there's going to be an extended release of volume 1 that I am looking forward to even though I already bought the regular edition. I'm a sucker for special edition dvds.

I went to the comic book store today and bought some tastey treats to keep me entertained. My interest in comic books as of the last year has been growing. It was on a 3-4 year hiatis. I guess I just remembered what made me love them in the first place. I've sort of been really active with all of my interests as of late. Music, comics, reading, movies; I've been burying myself in all these things. It feels good. It feels good to not just want to sit around the house and sleep.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Acheiving some kind of understanding isn't easy. 2 million years of human history and only recently have we begun to understand our origins. My daydreaming drifts into these territories regularly. Not so much in a pondering sense, but in an awareness sense. Distractions take my attention away from it, but it's always there; the underlying reality. It's like when the air conditioning in your house kicks off; you didn't know it was there untill you were able to understand it wasn't there. That's what I am able to do, kick off the air conditioning that is day to day distractions and understand the true silence behind them. I am able to step outside of my body and see everyone as working ants, blowing leaves, lumbering matter. The chattering becomes inane. Words meaningless. The origin of those words is what really counts. The origin of our actions, of our being, is what counts in this view. Understanding the web of causation creates a perspective unlike any other. It undermines any fear, doubt or uncertainty. At the same time, it's very dehumanizing; very humbling. There is a way to live with it I'm learning. And that way is by simply alowing myself to. By understanding the system, I am now sometimes able to remove myself from it. The trick is to keep remembering. Keep remembering. Keep remembering. Keep remembering. Keep remembering...

On another topic...I try not to worry. I try to just let things happen that seem right, that seem to work. And it seems like one of those things. There is so much to fear, and yet I fear nothing from it. Nothing at all. I try to cast aside what something looks like, and focus on what it is. What it is is very simple. Very simple. No mystery or complexity about it. No ideologies, expectations, or misinterpretations. I take one day at a time, play it by ear and hope for the best. That's all I can do; create a calm peace for myself.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

I keep having reoccuring dreams about highschool. They're not so much about my actual highschool days; they're about me being 22 and going back to high school. Usually I have 6 classes or so and I can't find any of them. I circle the halls all day and can't find any of my classes. The reason that I'm back there is because I flunked or something. (which I didn't) When eventually find one of my classes I sit down and have no idea whats going on because I've misses like a month of class looking for the damn room. I can never get any of the teachers to talk to me. I try to get their attention in the hallways but they ignore me and keep walking, like I'm not even there. At some point I usually realize that I'm dreaming. I wonder what on earth I'm doing back in school. I never have any dreams about being in college, but often my college proffessors will appear in these dreams as high school teachers.

Perhaps I feel I have some kind of unfinished business in high school? Perhaps I resent my old teachers. Perhaps I just always felt like I hadn't been in the class in a month as I never knew what was going on. Perhaps I'm just still incredibly immature.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I fight the feeling and I keep going. Not quite understanding why I'm doing it. I think as time goes on you wonder more and more untill you wonder how you've ended up somewhere. Work has always been a struggle for me. Just staying awake at work is a challenge.

I think all of the time. Even the busiest times at the resturaunt my mind is elsewhere, thinking about bigger things. Those things seem to slip away like a fading dream though. I ignore everything that's going on around me and drift into that dream. My body keeps moving, but I am a thousand miles away. So why do I get so upset? Why am I so tense when I come home? Why do I get so angry? It's like a bad dream you wake up screaming to. I will not let my life be defined by my part-time job.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

We are all part of a larger complex. Our minds have a certain fluidity to them. Where does one mind end and another start? I no longer think that this should be defined in physical terms. The astonishing hypothosis says that the mind is the activity of the brain. I say the mind is the activity of memes. The brain is a conduit. An unsuspecting bystander. I think brains should be defined, but minds are more vauge. Minds overlap because they contain copies of the same memes. Uniqueness comes into play in the grey region where there are misinterpretations of memes. Even in these cases, those misinterpretations are part different "mindplexes" None is truely unique, only the combinations. The memes care not about us-who we are.

Friday, April 09, 2004

Upgrades. What a thing to be worried about. What does that mean anyhow. To me it implies that what you have now is never good enough because what you could have in the future is better. I don't think that's any good way to live your life. You're always thinking about what could be instead of what is. Not to mention the fact you can't ever enjoy what you have right now. It's a losing uphill battle that you can never win. Upgrade when something is broken, not when you're bored with it.