Friday, April 16, 2004

Acheiving some kind of understanding isn't easy. 2 million years of human history and only recently have we begun to understand our origins. My daydreaming drifts into these territories regularly. Not so much in a pondering sense, but in an awareness sense. Distractions take my attention away from it, but it's always there; the underlying reality. It's like when the air conditioning in your house kicks off; you didn't know it was there untill you were able to understand it wasn't there. That's what I am able to do, kick off the air conditioning that is day to day distractions and understand the true silence behind them. I am able to step outside of my body and see everyone as working ants, blowing leaves, lumbering matter. The chattering becomes inane. Words meaningless. The origin of those words is what really counts. The origin of our actions, of our being, is what counts in this view. Understanding the web of causation creates a perspective unlike any other. It undermines any fear, doubt or uncertainty. At the same time, it's very dehumanizing; very humbling. There is a way to live with it I'm learning. And that way is by simply alowing myself to. By understanding the system, I am now sometimes able to remove myself from it. The trick is to keep remembering. Keep remembering. Keep remembering. Keep remembering. Keep remembering...

On another topic...I try not to worry. I try to just let things happen that seem right, that seem to work. And it seems like one of those things. There is so much to fear, and yet I fear nothing from it. Nothing at all. I try to cast aside what something looks like, and focus on what it is. What it is is very simple. Very simple. No mystery or complexity about it. No ideologies, expectations, or misinterpretations. I take one day at a time, play it by ear and hope for the best. That's all I can do; create a calm peace for myself.

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