Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Sometimes I think I'm repeating myself in these things. Ah well, what can you do. I just finished writing the rough draft of an english paper that's due tomorrow and I couldn't be more apathetic.

In theory, I like change. I like the idea of it; the concept behind it. I know I'm being very general but I'll get to my point in a moment. What is it about change that I think is positave? I dunno...I supose it gives us the opportunity to grow, to learn something new. I supose just even so we won't get so bored. (note to self: I really hate using the term "we" as-in "human kind",try to avoid it in the future) I must stress that in THEORY I like change. In reality, I seem to hate it. It scares the shit out of me. It makes me sick...literally, I get nausious. New poeple, places, foods, TV shows...all of it. I like my routines. I like watching the same movies over and over again (and yet I buy new ones all the time...but it that really "change"? I'll get to that...) I like sitting in the same booth and my favorite resturant ( that I go to all the time as my routine ) I like buying the same brand of clothing, bottled water, CDR, etc. I like my work schedual to be regular (have the same days off, same shift times). I like wearing the same hat all the time (though it smells pretty bad, I should wash it). Why though? Some people might call this obsurd, I call it quirky...but whatever. The reason is, I want to be remembered for things. It doesn't matter to me if I'm remembered for curing cancer or always wearing the same brand socks, just as long as I'm remembered. And I figure the more of these quirks I have, the greater the chance someone will remember them. I honestly don't think this way on a councious level and it's just a theory really, but it's a plausable one. Why do I get scared at change? Because I'm comfortable I guess. I personalize everything around me, or at least I try to. And it seems to me the longer something in my life in consistantly there, the more personal it becomes. Maybe it's just because I remember people in this way. I'll remember my boss's bright pink blazer . I'll remember my dad's alarm clock that he's had for 20 years that makes the same sound every morning at 5:30. I'll remember my grandfather's "Uncle Sam" coin bank (you'd have to see it). These little things make up our lives, and some people don't even think about them. I have trouble letting myself delete old emails because I think they're somehow a part of me now. Not just junk either, whole people. I psychologically "personalise" people too. But just very general things about them. They are part of what makes up my universe, and presumably I am somewhat overlapped in their universe. You can't just go around removing and moving things in that universe. You should need a signed permit or something. I'm writing this for a couple reasons. One being that someone in my family might be sick. I'm not sure. Nobody tells me much.

Whenever change is inevidable, I eventually adjust, cope, and personalize the new situation (in my pysche, I hate when people paint their names on their mailboxes). But I do so with the feeling the world will never know about the old situation, almost as if it never happened.

I like these orange pants I'm wearing right now. I want to be burried in them.

I could look at this "change" thing from a few different angles. Another angle is my irrational paranoia of day to day occurances. It's like..."Hmmm...I know you, you're ok...but you...I don't know you, you might be plotting to steal my kidneys..."

I have class in the morning and I have so much to catch up on. Goodnight Sharon (that's what I named my computer).

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