Monday, November 03, 2003

Today has been a long day accomapanied with a cloud of some sort hanging over me.

I wish I had time to talk to people anymore. I'm always going to work, school, or wasting my fucking life away fixing the website. My friend has been asking me to work on some music with him for like 2 weeks, but I havn't had time. I want to work on music again. I want to have enough energy to get out of bed before 11 am. I want to read. I want order and cohearance to my thoughts. I want to not have a headache all the time. I want consilience. I want providence.

I've been so ill at ease this past week I've almost lost it emotionally a couple of times. Not to mention the couple of times I wanted put my fist through the face of this guy I work with who insists on acting like a tough guy and getting into some macho-physical competition with me every time I walk past him (ya know, the kinda guy that likes to slug you in the arm to say "hi"). I feel the rage bubbling up that took me so long to manage. My parents were ready to put me in a straight jacket and have me hauled off to an institution at one point. How good it would feel to put my fist through a windsheild right now. I guess that's part of why I write here, to save on the cost of stitches. With some people it's useless...they've got anger problems no matter what...with me, as long as I can talk to someone, I'm ok. It's not even like I'm mad at people, I'm mad at myself mostly.


I've never hurt another person. I'm always at the threshold of losing it though. The threshold of frustration, or..whatever. I'm your classic pent-up repressed anger kind of person. I'm alot of things I guess. If you read through my journal I talk about alot of my inner strife, struggles, quirks, whatever...alot of them are petty, alot of them are spur of the moment rants, alot are bullshit, but whatever they may be, I have yet to find a common link between any of them. Perhaps the incohearance and inconsistancy of the problems I think have says something about them (or me).

This whole anger thing is just something that's plauged since I was very little. Not too much I can do about that except deal with it on a day to day basis. I'm constantly fighting the urge to blaim other people for my problems. Ya know, "take responsability for yourself". I think we all do that. I say don't fight the urge. I say get up in the fucking faces of all the people that have fucked you up, put you down, or screwed you over and let THEM know that they should take responsability for how they treat other people. I'm gonna be sick if I hear one more person say "people today should take responsability for their own actions". They say people are trying to obsolve guilt. I say it's just as much or more the people who are making these claims are trying to obsolve themselves of the guilt of being assholes, bigots and cheats. Am I trying to say that whatever you do is not your fault? No. What I'm saying is, that like so many things, your existence, your being, and your actions are the result of many many many things (including your own desisive actions). To say "take responsability for your own actions" is dangerously simplified. I read that schiztophrenia has dozens of factors that contribute to the condition. You can isolate these factors and somewhat reduce the risk of developing it, but it's impossible to say one thing causes it. ( genetics is only slightly responsable).

So am I going to get in these people's faces any time soon? Problably not...all it will cause ismore anger I'm sure. I kinda need less of that.

My headache is coming back

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