Sunday, August 24, 2003

Rage. A good word, describes alot of what I feel on a moment to moment basis. I feel it for alot of reasons. I feel it every night when I come home...this is usually accompanied by the desire to drink. Wish I could afford to right now. I'm feeling a bit of rage right now; I'm typing on my keyboard and for some reason it's not level on my desk, so it's wobbling with every key that I hit. I feel like throwing it against the wall. I broke my last keyboard that way; though, it wasn't because it wasn't balanced.

I feel it at myself. I don't know what to do. Nobody tells me this stuff. I just fucking wing it every day of my life. I get into situations, people start saying stuff at me...who the fuck knows what they're talking about. Mostly I beleive they don't even know what they're saying. I hear the tone of their voice, not like the attitude, I mean the actual tone eminating from the backs of their thoats. I notice that everyone has one voice "sound", and all the words are formed by variations of that one sound. It's hard to describe what I mean. Mine kind of sound is like humming a really low note, but I don't have that low of a voice. Some people's sounds are like parots. Some people's are soft. My point is, some people's tones just enduce this inner rage, I don't know why. They speak and my head starts caving in. It's like as soon as they open their mouths you can see right into their brains and hear all the bitterness, (I should talk) hatred, and self importance. My point? People should simply talk less. There are very few situations where I talk alot. Work might be one of them, depending on my mood and what day it is. If people would just shut up I think we'd have alot less problems in the world. Speaking is probably the worst idea we've ever come up with. Toasters are pretty stupid too.

I feel rage after I've been in a situation and I replay the events in my head. Hi, my name is self-doubt. I think this has to do with my personality changing from place to place. Who I am at home is not who I am at work, or a club, or the bar, or the record store. I leave these places and think "who the fuck was that person?". Person to person is the same way of course. I get confused if I'm with more than one friend at a time, and not even on a concious level. I'm quiet when I A. first meet a person, or B. When 2 friends are in the same room togeather. It's like I have to test the new dynamic or something. A+B doesn't = A and B to me. It ammounts to some abstract dynamic that has to be evaluated in my mind.

I think I'll put my fist through a wall now.

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