Sunday, July 13, 2003

For some reason this seems to be a pain in the ass to me; writing, even though at the end of the day I like doing it. I'm only writing now because it's saturday night and I have absolutely nothing to do. All my freinds are busy or out of town and I can't even watch TV because my nephew is staying over and sleeping in the living room. Alot has been going-ALOT. I think I only tend to write the moderate stuff, the stuff that doesn't matter all that much, and for some reason I always leave off the important stuff. Maybe I think that other people won't think it's all that important. What do I care what people think.

Subjects I've been meaning to write about:

1. Alchohol and it's dark effects
2. My music interests as of late
3. My future educational endevours
4. The Future.
5. My experience at scott's party/standards of expectance
6. The opposite sex
7. My job/the general remenisence effect
8. Why I sometimes have "sucker" written on my forehead
9. "Gravity"
10. Internet subcultures

I guess I'll start with #1 and just wing it. How did anyone ever get in this mess? Drinking is just a bad idea for alot of reasons I've figured out. And not so much drinking in and of itself, but drinking in uncontrolable situations. If you're at a bar or at home with a friend, that's one thing, but if you're at a party with a hundred people you don't know, that's another. All of this stuff has been said before, so I'm just going to move into how it effects me.

It's like the room dims. I think outloud, which isn't always good. I repeat things over and over, and not just in the same night, I'll talk about something one time I'm drunk, then talk about it every single time after that. I talk sooo much shit about people. Shit that I don't even really mean. It's like I've got to put other people down to take attention away from the fact that I'm acting like a fool at present. I can't remember things, or what I just said for more than a few seconds, so I'm more apt to say foolish things. It's not that I don't have control over what I'm saying, I just stop caring about it because I know I'm not gonna remember it in literally 2 seconds. But from moment to moment, I'm perfectly aware of whats going on. I get depressed, it doesn't releave depression for me. It makes me think about whatever troubles I have continueously. It makes what ever I'm doing surreal, and somehow seem more meaningful at the time. I guess I can see how people get cought up in it. It's a way of life for some people, it's a topic of conversation, it's what to do after work or during any source of entertainment. They become dark. They slip into this depressing hole that causes continous problems. None of my friends are bad really, but I've seen it. And those are the people I choose not to be friends with. It stops them dead in their tracks. I guess this could apply to other drugs to. It keeps them from growing, and learning. All that's important to them is the next "fun thing", whatever that means. I hate "fun things". They do nothing but get you in trouble. I like art in all it's forms, mostly me theirs a difference between spending your time appreciating artforms, or nature for that matter, and doing "fun things". Fun has always been a word I've had trouble defining. I used to draw comic books and such, and people used to ask me "don't you like to go out and have fun?". I thought about that, and wasn't sure what they meant by that. I was sitting in my room drawing because I thought I could accomplish something, a finished product. To me, that's fun I guess. acheivement. No acheivement can ever come out of drinking. I've only been "too" drunk once, and I hated every second of it (even before I started feeling sick, I don't like not being in control of myself). I was not having fun. So I guess I'm saying, when are these people ever going to grow? Whats so fun about having fun if you've got nothing to show for it. It's not what you have, it's what you leave.

I'll skip number 2 for the time being. School, oh boy school. I've finally decided to put my life togeather into some sort of meaningful order. Why did I stop going before? Who knows really. I wanted to move out, which didn't happen. I didn't know what I wanted to study. I think most of it was I was just burnt out on school. I shouldn't have gone right after highschool. When I stopped going it was a strange point in my life. I was dating this girl for a short period of time that I really liked, it wasn't meant to be but she got me thinking about alot of things. The futility of it all really. She was right, I'm not denying that, but I want a means to fuck some shit up. Also that was right around the week airplanes were falling out of the sky and knocking down skyscrappers and governemental defence structures. It's kinda hard taking anyone telling you that you need to get a degree so you can get a job that feeds off of a system that makes the rest of the world poor and resent you seriously when 3000 people who did just that were just blinked out of existance in two smoldering mountains of rubble for it.But basically now, I want the money to fund my little projects. So I decided to go to school for something I do now anyway, may as well make it offical. How I hate money and capitalism and goverment and the whole nine yards, but what can you do eh, I'm also a game theory guru and I've come to realize it probably couldn't have been any other way. My education is going to be completely career oriented, which kinda bothers me. Will I use my knowlage to make the world a better place? I don't know, I guess I just want to make noise; literally and figurativly. Bachelors of Web Developement, here I come.

I'm done writting for right now, I will update this post later.

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