"C19 Diary Entry 2" Sounds a bit melodramatic, but I'm not really sure what else to call them so it doesn't sound creepy and scary. I could use a code word. How about "Pumpkin". It's the Pumpkin Diaries from now on.
It's going on week 3 or 4 of the lockdown. We're having days with over 2000 recorded pumpkin deaths. Southeast MI is getting hit hard, especially Detroit. From a mental health standpoint, I'm not really sure what the correct level of dread I should have on any given day. It's not just dread about the pumpkins, it's dread about the future, our jobs, our way of life such as it is. The GOP asshats think guys like me don't understand, but we do... we're just willing to accept the lives of the vulnerable are more important. From a practical standpoint the dread level doesn't really matter because I have no control over viruses or the political goings on surrounding them. At the start of this thing I was calm and collected. "Would it help to worry?" I would say. I need to take my own advice, clearly. Being high almost every night seems like the only thing getting me through sometimes.
Grandma is doing a bit better and is recovering. Thankfully there was no need for a respirator (which they wouldn't have put her on anyway). Arrangements are being made for where she'll go next. The rest of the family who weren't hit as bad are also doing better, but worn out.
C is hanging in there. She has her bad days dealing with shit just like I do. Fortunately so far they don't seem to overlap too badly so we've been able to help each other. "Bad day" is just a relative term though. That dread is ALWAYS there. It's just how well you can manage to temporarily beat it back and get the bare minimum done for the day.
What's been on my mind today though is *all the things that are on my mind*. I'm getting to a point in my life where I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with my inability to organize my thoughts. I don't know that in any sort of grand sense I think it matters that I do... then again, why apologize for not wanting my brain to feel like a trainwreck all the time. Maybe that's mostly what it's about. Not needing to shout my bullshit at the world, but just being able to have it organized so it's not cluttering up my brain and I'm not tripping over shit. This makes me wonder though, am I assuming this stuff necessarily should lend itself well to organization... when that might not be the case. I guess that's what writing is, in a sense? Translating complex ideas into words, hopefully in a "simple enough" way that they can be understood by someone.
Random things that have been on my mind lately that I hope to write more about:
-Art
-Music
-My role in society
-Entanglement
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