I'm starving right now, but I know I'm not hungry. I think I ate today.

I don't know what else to write about this. It's just this persistant feeling. I don't know what to do about it. It's turned from idle thoughts to a persistance in my mind. Never before has it been so bad.

I don't know how much longer I can keep up like this. I'm sitting here alone in the dark with no one to talk to but my self. Is anyone else out there? Let me know, say hi at the bottom of this post. It's making me crazy really. Like those isolation experiments. It's like someone's playing an experiment on me. An experiment to see how long I can go. It's like there's these black walls up all around me. Not like concrete, or lead...just, blackness. Of course they're not letting any light in, so I'm of course, in the dark. It's not depressing, it's sad; if that makes any sense. I've avoided it for so long. It's not that I'm starving, it's just that I'm ready. And I was probably ready awhile go, I just didn't realize it. People make me smile, every day. Every day I have little moments to be thankful for. But it's also like not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from. These are all just shallow, breif moments. Where's the good shit at. Do I have ideas? Sure, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. But that's not really what matters. What matters is that I'm done doing whatever I've been doing, ready to go forward...right here, right now, that's the important part. Breathe, put on your shoes, put on your coat and hat...walk out through the door.

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Thoughts on Planet of the Apes (2001, Tim Burton)



I just watched this movie again after seeing it when it first was released. Apparently there is some controversy over the ending. If you're not familiar with the ending, here's the summery: After leo davidon's ordeal with the ape planet in the future, he returns to earth during his time period to discover that somehow earth has been overrun by apes and now they are the dominant speices. the end. roll credits.

Reading through some message boards I found some expected comments, such as "The ending was stupid and didn't make any sense", "The movie was stupid and they just put the confusing ending to try to cover that up". I really like when people think that they can automatically persuade you by saying things like "Just face it already...this was a horrible movie". As if "just face it..." is some kind of imperical evidence. Whenever a movie ending is puzzling, shmucks come out of the woodwork running their mouths about how stupid it was. Shuddap.

The explanation from Tim Burton and Fox: There is no explanation...it's open for interpretation, it's suposed to make you think and theorize.

Which it has, I've read many many theories...all of which over complicate the issue and either miss very important aspects of the movie, or misinterprate events in the movie.

The biggest missinterpretation: Peraclies' return. When peraclies decends from the sky, he is MISTAKEN for Cemos, the ape god. He IS NOT meant to be Cemos. Cemos is the actual ape god, and Thade's ancestor, Pereclies has nothing to do with Thade.

The apes on the planet are: Ancestors of Cemos and his lot.
The humans on the planet are: Ancestors of those who escaped Cemos.

Now that we've gotten that cleared up, remember one fact that I think gets lost a little bit in the movie but is critial. Thade is only person who knows where Davidson's original Pod landed. He wanted it this way, as he killed his lackies that saw it first.

Now remember what the Ex-general from Thade's army says, "Thade will stop at nothing, he will never stop coming" This too, is critial. Now add those 2 things togeather along with the time-bending electrical storm between the two worlds, and you have a locial explanation.

Mind you, it still has some holes, but I think it's the best idea yet.

All-in-all it was suposed to be a cliff-hanger for the sequal...however tim burton has said he would rather "jump out of a window" than make a sequal for fox.

I am in desperate need of a good night's sleep tonight. I've had a long day it seems. Sitting, listening, pretending to care.

I just watched 'Hannibal'. That movie gives me the creeps. It has an unsettling mood about it.

I'm bored. So very bored. I feel pretty good today. I mean physically. Of course, I have a cold and everything, but that usually isn't so bad. They say sneezing is the second best feeling next to an orgasm. When I get colds they're just 'tired' colds, if you know what I mean. I don't typically get painful colds.

I figured out today that it doesn't take much to make me happy. And it's not so much that "happy" is the word I'm looking for. It doesn't take much to lift my spirits, or boost my confidence. Someone I know paid me a very simple compliment yesterday. It was nothing major, but it seemed like the person meant it. I think I had a better day because of it and it perhaps carried over to today a little bit. And perhaps even saying it lifted my spirits isn't exactly accurate. It relaxed me. It put me at ease. A little of all those things I guess.

I'm not sure what I want to write about. It's like alot of things are on the tip of my tounge the past few days, but I can't seem to get them out.

I'm not sure what to write about today, I just felt like writing. I think I'll post an amusing page from a simpsons comic...

Today has been a long day accomapanied with a cloud of some sort hanging over me.

I wish I had time to talk to people anymore. I'm always going to work, school, or wasting my fucking life away fixing the website. My friend has been asking me to work on some music with him for like 2 weeks, but I havn't had time. I want to work on music again. I want to have enough energy to get out of bed before 11 am. I want to read. I want order and cohearance to my thoughts. I want to not have a headache all the time. I want consilience. I want providence.

I've been so ill at ease this past week I've almost lost it emotionally a couple of times. Not to mention the couple of times I wanted put my fist through the face of this guy I work with who insists on acting like a tough guy and getting into some macho-physical competition with me every time I walk past him (ya know, the kinda guy that likes to slug you in the arm to say "hi"). I feel the rage bubbling up that took me so long to manage. My parents were ready to put me in a straight jacket and have me hauled off to an institution at one point. How good it would feel to put my fist through a windsheild right now. I guess that's part of why I write here, to save on the cost of stitches. With some people it's useless...they've got anger problems no matter what...with me, as long as I can talk to someone, I'm ok. It's not even like I'm mad at people, I'm mad at myself mostly.

.

I've never hurt another person. I'm always at the threshold of losing it though. The threshold of frustration, or..whatever. I'm your classic pent-up repressed anger kind of person. I'm alot of things I guess. If you read through my journal I talk about alot of my inner strife, struggles, quirks, whatever...alot of them are petty, alot of them are spur of the moment rants, alot are bullshit, but whatever they may be, I have yet to find a common link between any of them. Perhaps the incohearance and inconsistancy of the problems I think have says something about them (or me).

This whole anger thing is just something that's plauged since I was very little. Not too much I can do about that except deal with it on a day to day basis. I'm constantly fighting the urge to blaim other people for my problems. Ya know, "take responsability for yourself". I think we all do that. I say don't fight the urge. I say get up in the fucking faces of all the people that have fucked you up, put you down, or screwed you over and let THEM know that they should take responsability for how they treat other people. I'm gonna be sick if I hear one more person say "people today should take responsability for their own actions". They say people are trying to obsolve guilt. I say it's just as much or more the people who are making these claims are trying to obsolve themselves of the guilt of being assholes, bigots and cheats. Am I trying to say that whatever you do is not your fault? No. What I'm saying is, that like so many things, your existence, your being, and your actions are the result of many many many things (including your own desisive actions). To say "take responsability for your own actions" is dangerously simplified. I read that schiztophrenia has dozens of factors that contribute to the condition. You can isolate these factors and somewhat reduce the risk of developing it, but it's impossible to say one thing causes it. ( genetics is only slightly responsable).

So am I going to get in these people's faces any time soon? Problably not...all it will cause ismore anger I'm sure. I kinda need less of that.

My headache is coming back

Sometimes I think I'm repeating myself in these things. Ah well, what can you do. I just finished writing the rough draft of an english paper that's due tomorrow and I couldn't be more apathetic.

In theory, I like change. I like the idea of it; the concept behind it. I know I'm being very general but I'll get to my point in a moment. What is it about change that I think is positave? I dunno...I supose it gives us the opportunity to grow, to learn something new. I supose just even so we won't get so bored. (note to self: I really hate using the term "we" as-in "human kind",try to avoid it in the future) I must stress that in THEORY I like change. In reality, I seem to hate it. It scares the shit out of me. It makes me sick...literally, I get nausious. New poeple, places, foods, TV shows...all of it. I like my routines. I like watching the same movies over and over again (and yet I buy new ones all the time...but it that really "change"? I'll get to that...) I like sitting in the same booth and my favorite resturant ( that I go to all the time as my routine ) I like buying the same brand of clothing, bottled water, CDR, etc. I like my work schedual to be regular (have the same days off, same shift times). I like wearing the same hat all the time (though it smells pretty bad, I should wash it). Why though? Some people might call this obsurd, I call it quirky...but whatever. The reason is, I want to be remembered for things. It doesn't matter to me if I'm remembered for curing cancer or always wearing the same brand socks, just as long as I'm remembered. And I figure the more of these quirks I have, the greater the chance someone will remember them. I honestly don't think this way on a councious level and it's just a theory really, but it's a plausable one. Why do I get scared at change? Because I'm comfortable I guess. I personalize everything around me, or at least I try to. And it seems to me the longer something in my life in consistantly there, the more personal it becomes. Maybe it's just because I remember people in this way. I'll remember my boss's bright pink blazer . I'll remember my dad's alarm clock that he's had for 20 years that makes the same sound every morning at 5:30. I'll remember my grandfather's "Uncle Sam" coin bank (you'd have to see it). These little things make up our lives, and some people don't even think about them. I have trouble letting myself delete old emails because I think they're somehow a part of me now. Not just junk either, whole people. I psychologically "personalise" people too. But just very general things about them. They are part of what makes up my universe, and presumably I am somewhat overlapped in their universe. You can't just go around removing and moving things in that universe. You should need a signed permit or something. I'm writing this for a couple reasons. One being that someone in my family might be sick. I'm not sure. Nobody tells me much.

Whenever change is inevidable, I eventually adjust, cope, and personalize the new situation (in my pysche, I hate when people paint their names on their mailboxes). But I do so with the feeling the world will never know about the old situation, almost as if it never happened.

I like these orange pants I'm wearing right now. I want to be burried in them.

I could look at this "change" thing from a few different angles. Another angle is my irrational paranoia of day to day occurances. It's like..."Hmmm...I know you, you're ok...but you...I don't know you, you might be plotting to steal my kidneys..."

I have class in the morning and I have so much to catch up on. Goodnight Sharon (that's what I named my computer).

I don't really like the abrasive self. I don't like getting pissed off, acting pushy, or like a general asshole. First of all, it doesn't work too well for me. I'm not a "macho" person by any means. Me acting like an asshole comes off as someone who's not an asshole trying to act like one. Which, in a way, makes me seem like even more of an asshole...because then that shows direct intent. I don't like yelling. I don't like being yelled at. I like speaking in a calm, relaxed tone. Even laughing can be unsettling for me at times. I like breathing, not hyperventalating or suffocating. I'm the kind of person who likes the journey more than the destination. I like the imagined more than the real. I find art and the surreal in everyday things.

And I worry, I fear, and I panic at the sight of EVERYTHING.