I'm starving right now, but I know I'm not hungry. I think I ate today.
I don't know what else to write about this. It's just this persistant feeling. I don't know what to do about it. It's turned from idle thoughts to a persistance in my mind. Never before has it been so bad.
Friday, November 28, 2003
I don't know how much longer I can keep up like this. I'm sitting here alone in the dark with no one to talk to but my self. Is anyone else out there? Let me know, say hi at the bottom of this post. It's making me crazy really. Like those isolation experiments. It's like someone's playing an experiment on me. An experiment to see how long I can go. It's like there's these black walls up all around me. Not like concrete, or lead...just, blackness. Of course they're not letting any light in, so I'm of course, in the dark. It's not depressing, it's sad; if that makes any sense. I've avoided it for so long. It's not that I'm starving, it's just that I'm ready. And I was probably ready awhile go, I just didn't realize it. People make me smile, every day. Every day I have little moments to be thankful for. But it's also like not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from. These are all just shallow, breif moments. Where's the good shit at. Do I have ideas? Sure, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. But that's not really what matters. What matters is that I'm done doing whatever I've been doing, ready to go forward...right here, right now, that's the important part. Breathe, put on your shoes, put on your coat and hat...walk out through the door.
Friday, November 21, 2003
Thoughts on Planet of the Apes (2001, Tim Burton)
I just watched this movie again after seeing it when it first was released. Apparently there is some controversy over the ending. If you're not familiar with the ending, here's the summery: After leo davidon's ordeal with the ape planet in the future, he returns to earth during his time period to discover that somehow earth has been overrun by apes and now they are the dominant speices. the end. roll credits.
Reading through some message boards I found some expected comments, such as "The ending was stupid and didn't make any sense", "The movie was stupid and they just put the confusing ending to try to cover that up". I really like when people think that they can automatically persuade you by saying things like "Just face it already...this was a horrible movie". As if "just face it..." is some kind of imperical evidence. Whenever a movie ending is puzzling, shmucks come out of the woodwork running their mouths about how stupid it was. Shuddap.
The explanation from Tim Burton and Fox: There is no explanation...it's open for interpretation, it's suposed to make you think and theorize.
Which it has, I've read many many theories...all of which over complicate the issue and either miss very important aspects of the movie, or misinterprate events in the movie.
The biggest missinterpretation: Peraclies' return. When peraclies decends from the sky, he is MISTAKEN for Cemos, the ape god. He IS NOT meant to be Cemos. Cemos is the actual ape god, and Thade's ancestor, Pereclies has nothing to do with Thade.
The apes on the planet are: Ancestors of Cemos and his lot.
The humans on the planet are: Ancestors of those who escaped Cemos.
Now that we've gotten that cleared up, remember one fact that I think gets lost a little bit in the movie but is critial. Thade is only person who knows where Davidson's original Pod landed. He wanted it this way, as he killed his lackies that saw it first.
Now remember what the Ex-general from Thade's army says, "Thade will stop at nothing, he will never stop coming" This too, is critial. Now add those 2 things togeather along with the time-bending electrical storm between the two worlds, and you have a locial explanation.
Mind you, it still has some holes, but I think it's the best idea yet.
All-in-all it was suposed to be a cliff-hanger for the sequal...however tim burton has said he would rather "jump out of a window" than make a sequal for fox.
I just watched this movie again after seeing it when it first was released. Apparently there is some controversy over the ending. If you're not familiar with the ending, here's the summery: After leo davidon's ordeal with the ape planet in the future, he returns to earth during his time period to discover that somehow earth has been overrun by apes and now they are the dominant speices. the end. roll credits.
Reading through some message boards I found some expected comments, such as "The ending was stupid and didn't make any sense", "The movie was stupid and they just put the confusing ending to try to cover that up". I really like when people think that they can automatically persuade you by saying things like "Just face it already...this was a horrible movie". As if "just face it..." is some kind of imperical evidence. Whenever a movie ending is puzzling, shmucks come out of the woodwork running their mouths about how stupid it was. Shuddap.
The explanation from Tim Burton and Fox: There is no explanation...it's open for interpretation, it's suposed to make you think and theorize.
Which it has, I've read many many theories...all of which over complicate the issue and either miss very important aspects of the movie, or misinterprate events in the movie.
The biggest missinterpretation: Peraclies' return. When peraclies decends from the sky, he is MISTAKEN for Cemos, the ape god. He IS NOT meant to be Cemos. Cemos is the actual ape god, and Thade's ancestor, Pereclies has nothing to do with Thade.
The apes on the planet are: Ancestors of Cemos and his lot.
The humans on the planet are: Ancestors of those who escaped Cemos.
Now that we've gotten that cleared up, remember one fact that I think gets lost a little bit in the movie but is critial. Thade is only person who knows where Davidson's original Pod landed. He wanted it this way, as he killed his lackies that saw it first.
Now remember what the Ex-general from Thade's army says, "Thade will stop at nothing, he will never stop coming" This too, is critial. Now add those 2 things togeather along with the time-bending electrical storm between the two worlds, and you have a locial explanation.
Mind you, it still has some holes, but I think it's the best idea yet.
All-in-all it was suposed to be a cliff-hanger for the sequal...however tim burton has said he would rather "jump out of a window" than make a sequal for fox.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I'm bored. So very bored. I feel pretty good today. I mean physically. Of course, I have a cold and everything, but that usually isn't so bad. They say sneezing is the second best feeling next to an orgasm. When I get colds they're just 'tired' colds, if you know what I mean. I don't typically get painful colds.
I figured out today that it doesn't take much to make me happy. And it's not so much that "happy" is the word I'm looking for. It doesn't take much to lift my spirits, or boost my confidence. Someone I know paid me a very simple compliment yesterday. It was nothing major, but it seemed like the person meant it. I think I had a better day because of it and it perhaps carried over to today a little bit. And perhaps even saying it lifted my spirits isn't exactly accurate. It relaxed me. It put me at ease. A little of all those things I guess.
I'm not sure what I want to write about. It's like alot of things are on the tip of my tounge the past few days, but I can't seem to get them out.
I figured out today that it doesn't take much to make me happy. And it's not so much that "happy" is the word I'm looking for. It doesn't take much to lift my spirits, or boost my confidence. Someone I know paid me a very simple compliment yesterday. It was nothing major, but it seemed like the person meant it. I think I had a better day because of it and it perhaps carried over to today a little bit. And perhaps even saying it lifted my spirits isn't exactly accurate. It relaxed me. It put me at ease. A little of all those things I guess.
I'm not sure what I want to write about. It's like alot of things are on the tip of my tounge the past few days, but I can't seem to get them out.
Monday, November 03, 2003
Today has been a long day accomapanied with a cloud of some sort hanging over me.
I wish I had time to talk to people anymore. I'm always going to work, school, or wasting my fucking life away fixing the website. My friend has been asking me to work on some music with him for like 2 weeks, but I havn't had time. I want to work on music again. I want to have enough energy to get out of bed before 11 am. I want to read. I want order and cohearance to my thoughts. I want to not have a headache all the time. I want consilience. I want providence.
I've been so ill at ease this past week I've almost lost it emotionally a couple of times. Not to mention the couple of times I wanted put my fist through the face of this guy I work with who insists on acting like a tough guy and getting into some macho-physical competition with me every time I walk past him (ya know, the kinda guy that likes to slug you in the arm to say "hi"). I feel the rage bubbling up that took me so long to manage. My parents were ready to put me in a straight jacket and have me hauled off to an institution at one point. How good it would feel to put my fist through a windsheild right now. I guess that's part of why I write here, to save on the cost of stitches. With some people it's useless...they've got anger problems no matter what...with me, as long as I can talk to someone, I'm ok. It's not even like I'm mad at people, I'm mad at myself mostly.
.
I've never hurt another person. I'm always at the threshold of losing it though. The threshold of frustration, or..whatever. I'm your classic pent-up repressed anger kind of person. I'm alot of things I guess. If you read through my journal I talk about alot of my inner strife, struggles, quirks, whatever...alot of them are petty, alot of them are spur of the moment rants, alot are bullshit, but whatever they may be, I have yet to find a common link between any of them. Perhaps the incohearance and inconsistancy of the problems I think have says something about them (or me).
This whole anger thing is just something that's plauged since I was very little. Not too much I can do about that except deal with it on a day to day basis. I'm constantly fighting the urge to blaim other people for my problems. Ya know, "take responsability for yourself". I think we all do that. I say don't fight the urge. I say get up in the fucking faces of all the people that have fucked you up, put you down, or screwed you over and let THEM know that they should take responsability for how they treat other people. I'm gonna be sick if I hear one more person say "people today should take responsability for their own actions". They say people are trying to obsolve guilt. I say it's just as much or more the people who are making these claims are trying to obsolve themselves of the guilt of being assholes, bigots and cheats. Am I trying to say that whatever you do is not your fault? No. What I'm saying is, that like so many things, your existence, your being, and your actions are the result of many many many things (including your own desisive actions). To say "take responsability for your own actions" is dangerously simplified. I read that schiztophrenia has dozens of factors that contribute to the condition. You can isolate these factors and somewhat reduce the risk of developing it, but it's impossible to say one thing causes it. ( genetics is only slightly responsable).
So am I going to get in these people's faces any time soon? Problably not...all it will cause ismore anger I'm sure. I kinda need less of that.
My headache is coming back
I wish I had time to talk to people anymore. I'm always going to work, school, or wasting my fucking life away fixing the website. My friend has been asking me to work on some music with him for like 2 weeks, but I havn't had time. I want to work on music again. I want to have enough energy to get out of bed before 11 am. I want to read. I want order and cohearance to my thoughts. I want to not have a headache all the time. I want consilience. I want providence.
I've been so ill at ease this past week I've almost lost it emotionally a couple of times. Not to mention the couple of times I wanted put my fist through the face of this guy I work with who insists on acting like a tough guy and getting into some macho-physical competition with me every time I walk past him (ya know, the kinda guy that likes to slug you in the arm to say "hi"). I feel the rage bubbling up that took me so long to manage. My parents were ready to put me in a straight jacket and have me hauled off to an institution at one point. How good it would feel to put my fist through a windsheild right now. I guess that's part of why I write here, to save on the cost of stitches. With some people it's useless...they've got anger problems no matter what...with me, as long as I can talk to someone, I'm ok. It's not even like I'm mad at people, I'm mad at myself mostly.
.
I've never hurt another person. I'm always at the threshold of losing it though. The threshold of frustration, or..whatever. I'm your classic pent-up repressed anger kind of person. I'm alot of things I guess. If you read through my journal I talk about alot of my inner strife, struggles, quirks, whatever...alot of them are petty, alot of them are spur of the moment rants, alot are bullshit, but whatever they may be, I have yet to find a common link between any of them. Perhaps the incohearance and inconsistancy of the problems I think have says something about them (or me).
This whole anger thing is just something that's plauged since I was very little. Not too much I can do about that except deal with it on a day to day basis. I'm constantly fighting the urge to blaim other people for my problems. Ya know, "take responsability for yourself". I think we all do that. I say don't fight the urge. I say get up in the fucking faces of all the people that have fucked you up, put you down, or screwed you over and let THEM know that they should take responsability for how they treat other people. I'm gonna be sick if I hear one more person say "people today should take responsability for their own actions". They say people are trying to obsolve guilt. I say it's just as much or more the people who are making these claims are trying to obsolve themselves of the guilt of being assholes, bigots and cheats. Am I trying to say that whatever you do is not your fault? No. What I'm saying is, that like so many things, your existence, your being, and your actions are the result of many many many things (including your own desisive actions). To say "take responsability for your own actions" is dangerously simplified. I read that schiztophrenia has dozens of factors that contribute to the condition. You can isolate these factors and somewhat reduce the risk of developing it, but it's impossible to say one thing causes it. ( genetics is only slightly responsable).
So am I going to get in these people's faces any time soon? Problably not...all it will cause ismore anger I'm sure. I kinda need less of that.
My headache is coming back
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