Had an ok weekend at work. bout fell asleep at the wheel on friday though. looking forward to my day off monday. I just rented the ring, havn't seen it before.

I had one of the most boring days in my life today. Hung around my house till about 4, went to media play and bullshitted for an hour, went to my work to eat and BSed with ashley for a few, came home and watched tv, then went to see freddy vs. jason. It was pretty bad.

I'm not tired.

I've been having sleepwalking problems lately. A few weeks ago I got up really early in the morning and called my grandparents for a reason in which I am still unclear of. Today I woke with a stomach ache and the remains of alot of half eaten food that I don't remember eating next to me.

Made a little trip to Guitar Center yesterday, and of course ended up spending more money than I intended. And, of course the people there didn't know what the fuck they were talking about when I asked them questions. Havn't completely figured out all the features on this compressor yet, but I'm getting there. There's a rack EQ that I want to get as well. I feel like norton in fight club...like I have to have all this shit before I can feel complete. I just don't want to have any limitations in my music making. I don't want to be in a position where I can't do something just because I don't have the equipment. If I can't do something, I want it to be because I'm incompetant.

Fuck all this construction bullshit. I just spent nearly 3 hours on a ride that normally takes me 30 minutes tops. Now, had I known about all the closed freeways and roads, I probably could have made it in an hour, a reasonable time. But I spent the entire night running into dead ends and driving back and forth. This is the last time the Michigan Department of Trasportation makes a fool out of Trevor McKee.

Rage. A good word, describes alot of what I feel on a moment to moment basis. I feel it for alot of reasons. I feel it every night when I come home...this is usually accompanied by the desire to drink. Wish I could afford to right now. I'm feeling a bit of rage right now; I'm typing on my keyboard and for some reason it's not level on my desk, so it's wobbling with every key that I hit. I feel like throwing it against the wall. I broke my last keyboard that way; though, it wasn't because it wasn't balanced.

I feel it at myself. I don't know what to do. Nobody tells me this stuff. I just fucking wing it every day of my life. I get into situations, people start saying stuff at me...who the fuck knows what they're talking about. Mostly I beleive they don't even know what they're saying. I hear the tone of their voice, not like the attitude, I mean the actual tone eminating from the backs of their thoats. I notice that everyone has one voice "sound", and all the words are formed by variations of that one sound. It's hard to describe what I mean. Mine kind of sound is like humming a really low note, but I don't have that low of a voice. Some people's sounds are like parots. Some people's are soft. My point is, some people's tones just enduce this inner rage, I don't know why. They speak and my head starts caving in. It's like as soon as they open their mouths you can see right into their brains and hear all the bitterness, (I should talk) hatred, and self importance. My point? People should simply talk less. There are very few situations where I talk alot. Work might be one of them, depending on my mood and what day it is. If people would just shut up I think we'd have alot less problems in the world. Speaking is probably the worst idea we've ever come up with. Toasters are pretty stupid too.

I feel rage after I've been in a situation and I replay the events in my head. Hi, my name is self-doubt. I think this has to do with my personality changing from place to place. Who I am at home is not who I am at work, or a club, or the bar, or the record store. I leave these places and think "who the fuck was that person?". Person to person is the same way of course. I get confused if I'm with more than one friend at a time, and not even on a concious level. I'm quiet when I A. first meet a person, or B. When 2 friends are in the same room togeather. It's like I have to test the new dynamic or something. A+B doesn't = A and B to me. It ammounts to some abstract dynamic that has to be evaluated in my mind.

I think I'll put my fist through a wall now.

Losing all hope gives it to me. Knowing that this expance won't change, that nothing will occure. Knowing that you can drive for hours and still experience the same thing. Knowing where I'll be in 20 years. Anything can happen, and yet it's all the same. So many paths and choices, but how different are they from one another?

This town is miles and miles of concrete and street lights and housing and liquor stores and video stores. Each one tells a different story, but each is only a variation the central theme. We can't help it. This structure is the necisary evil that makes our lives possible. The subtle variations can be deceptive. This blog exists within the confines of that concrete ocean and yet is invisible to most of it's inhabitants in a coporeal sense. It has made my thoughts more transmittable than most anyone else, no matter how great their IQ's or communication skills. It exists physically only as a code on a device no bigger than my hand somewhere thousands of miles away, yet it's life is here, in this ocean. Our thoughts, our ideas, can be transmitted from this expance to others. Each of us now are tiny conduits in a massive network, one that was made possible by and created by what is now the second layer of that network.

This is an ocean of finite possibilites, of which we've barely tapped. You are only limited in one ocean, but there are others, the number of which may not be finite. Losing hope gives it to me.

Reality is much more apealing when it's blurred or filtered. Often it's blurred by time. How much time is it going to take I wonder for now to become apealing.

Conflict. The same type of shit I used to try to run away from. It just keeps cropping up in different forms. People so wrapped up in themselves they think everyone different from them or anyone not willing to apease their ego is smaller. Sorry, I don't play ball anymore. Go fuck yourself. I'm not perfect, but I'm not an attention starved brat either.

Some blackout, it didn't even last 24 hours for us. As is well I guess. I start to hallucinate in the dark.

Whenever I'm around people there's this ever present sense of guilt or shame.

All these little stupid and embarassing moments to make up this stupid and embarassing thing we call life.

Night after night I stay up watching moives. Reality is boring. What am I looking for I wonder.

goals for thursday:

1. Finish "auk12"
2. Put up lofi mixes on the site
3. Design crap for shirts and hats

You can't do everything. There's no point in even trying. Your only hope is to be the kind of person that only thinks one or two things in this world are important. Otherwise, if you're like me, you're constantly conflicted. Everything is so fragile, each thing resting on something else, that if fails, topples the house of cards above it. There's more adventure to be had at the top of the tower, but how afraid of heights are you?

Some days I don't want to admit that I'm awake.