I'm forever telling my cat while I'm on the toilet, "Do I bother you when you're in the litter box?". I need to remember to lock the door every time.

I yoinked this off of the wall at work awhile back, I've been meaning to put it up and I just ran acrossed it again. It's kinda big (length wise), so I'll just post the link to it...

besafe.jpg

Where do I start. I want to get whoever drew this to do a character drawing of me. With a burgalar mask on. Hell, this guy could make a fortune at drawing famous celebrities with burgalar masks on. I've seen alot of unsavory looking people in my time, but none of them were wearing a mask.

Stop the thugs? Thugs?? This is why this poster encompasses America's twisted veiw of crime. People are taught to be afraid of big ugly bald guys wearing bugular masks. Hell, I'd be afraid of him too if he was knocking at our back door wearing a striped prison uniform. From all those bolders he was crushing on the side of the road he's probably armed with a sledge hammer too.

The last thing I find interesting is the prison number at the bottom the illustration. That number seems awful specific to be made up. This makes me think it's a composite drawing. Ya know...some old lady got robbed and decribed this masked goon to the police.

God probably hates you.

Gabe and I went to see Enducer and Soundmurderer saturday. Well, I went and she looked like she wasn't having much fun. Some guy selling shrooms wouldn't leave her alone. I was suposed to get a free Feed the Machine tshirt, but I was rejected on account they ran out. I'm gonna get one if it kills me. I bought the record, it's cool.

Last night at work was sour for some reason. Everyone was getting on my nerves. Kinda like a 5 year old who keeps pulling on your pant leg. You just get the urge to punt them across the room.

I must go now, running late.

From Michael Moore's Mailing List------------------------------------------

Letters the Troops Have Sent Me... by Michael Moore

December 19, 2003

As we approach the holidays, I've been thinking a lot about our kids who are in the armed forces serving in Iraq. I've received hundreds of letters from our troops in Iraq -- and they are telling me something very different from what we are seeing on the evening news.

What they are saying to me, often eloquently and in heart-wrenching words, is that they were lied to -- and this war has nothing to do with the security of the United States of America.

I've written back and spoken on the phone to many of them and I've asked a few of them if it would be OK if I posted their letters on my website and they've said yes. They do so at great personal risk (as they may face disciplinary measures for exercising their right to free speech). I thank them for their bravery.

Lance Corporal George Batton of the United States Marine Corps, who returned from Iraq in September (after serving in MP company Alpha), writes the following:

“You'd be surprised at how many of the guys I talked to in my company and others believed that the president's scare about Saddam's WMD was a bunch of bullshit and that the real motivation for this war was only about money. There was also a lot of crap that many companies, not just marine companies, had to go through with not getting enough equipment to fulfill their missions when they crossed the border. It was a miracle that our company did what it did the two months it was staying in Iraq during the war…. We were promised to go home on June 8th, and found out that it was a lie and we got stuck doing missions for an extra three months. Even some of the most radical conservatives in our company including our company gunnery sergeant got a real bad taste in their mouth about the Marine corps, and maybe even president Bush.”:

Here's what Specialist Mike Prysner of the U.S. Army wrote to me:

“Dear Mike -- I’m writing this without knowing if it’ll ever get to you…I’m writing it from the trenches of a war (that’s still going on,) not knowing why I’m here or when I’m leaving. I’ve toppled statues and vandalized portraits, while wearing an American flag on my sleeve, and struggling to learn how to understand… I joined the army as soon as I was eligible – turned down a writing scholarship to a state university, eager to serve my country, ready to die for the ideals I fell in love with. Two years later I found myself moments away from a landing onto a pitch black airstrip, ready to charge into a country I didn't believe I belonged in, with your words (from the Oscars) repeating in my head. My time in Iraq has always involved finding things to convince myself that I can be proud of my actions; that I was a part of something just. But no matter what pro-war argument I came up with, I pictured my smirking commander-in-chief, thinking he was fooling a nation…

An Army private, still in Iraq and wishing to remain anonymous, writes:

“I would like to tell you how difficult it is to serve under a man who was never elected. Because he is the president and my boss, I have to be very careful as to who and what i say about him. This also concerns me a great deal... to limit the military's voice is to limit exactly what America stands for... and the greater percentage of us feel completely underpowered. He continually sets my friends, my family, and several others in a kind of danger that frightens me beyond belief. I know several other soldiers who feel the same way and discuss the situation with me on a regular basis.”

Jerry Oliver of the U.S. Army, who has just returned from Baghdad, writes:

“I have just returned home from "Operation Iraqi Freedom". I spent 5 months in Baghdad, and a total of 3 years in the U.S. Army. I was recently discharged with Honorable valor and returned to the States only to be horrified by what I've seen my country turn into. I'm now 22 years old and have discovered America is such a complicated place to live, and moreover, Americans are almost oblivious to what's been happening to their country. America has become "1984." Homeland security is teaching us to spy on one another and forcing us to become anti-social. Americans are willingly sacrificing our freedoms in the name of security, the same Freedoms I was willing to put my life on the line for. The constitution is in jeopardy. As Gen. Tommy Franks said, (broken down of course) One more terrorist attack and the constitution will hold no meaning.”

And a Specialist in the U.S. Army wrote to me this week about the capture of Saddam Hussein:

“Wow, 130,000 troops on the ground, nearly 500 deaths and over a billion dollars a day, but they caught a guy living in a hole. Am I supposed to be dazzled?”

There are lots more of these, straight from the soldiers who have been on the front lines and have seen first hand what this war is really about.

I have also heard from their friends and relatives, and from other veterans. A mother writing on behalf of her son (whose name we have withheld) wrote:

“My son said that this is the worst it's been since the "end" of the war. He said the troops have been given new rules of engagement, and that they are to "take out" any persons who aggress on the Americans, even if it results in "collateral" damage. Unfortunately, he did have to kill someone in self defense and was told by his commanding officer ‘Good kill.’

"My son replied ‘You just don't get it, do you?’

"Here we are...Vietnam all over again.”

>From a 56 year old Navy veteran, relating a conversation he had with a young man who was leaving for Iraq the next morning:

“What disturbed me most was when I asked him what weapons he carried as a truck driver. He told me the new M-16, model blah blah blah, stuff never made sense to me even when I was in. I asked him what kind of side arm they gave him and his fellow drivers. He explained, "Sir, Reservists are not issued side arms or flack vests as there was not enough money to outfit all the Reservists, only Active Personnel". I was appalled to say the least.

"Bush is a jerk agreed, but I can't believe he is this big an Asshole not providing protection and arms for our troops to fight HIS WAR!”

>From a 40-year old veteran of the Marine Corps:

“Why is it that we are forever waving the flag of sovereignty, EXCEPT when it concerns our financial interests in other sovereign states? What gives us the right to tell anyone else how they should govern themselves, and live their lives? Why can't we just lead the world by example? I mean no wonder the world hates us, who do they get to see? Young assholes in uniforms with guns, and rich, old, white tourists! Christ, could we put up a worse first impression?”

(To read more from my Iraq mailbag -- and to read these above letters in full -- go to my website: http://www.michaelmoore.com/books-films/dudewheresmycountry/soldierletters/index.php)

Remember back in March, once the war had started, how risky it was to make any anti-war comments to people you knew at work or school or, um, at awards ceremonies? One thing was for sure -- if you said anything against the war, you had BETTER follow it up immediately with this line: "BUT I SUPPORT THE TROOPS!" Failing to do that meant that you were not only unpatriotic and un-American, your dissent meant that YOU were putting our kids in danger, that YOU might be the reason they lose their lives. Dissent was only marginally tolerated IF you pledged your "support" for our soldiers.

Of course, you needed to do no such thing. Why? Because people like you have ALWAYS supported "the troops." Who are these troops? They are our poor, our working class. Most of them enlisted because it was about the only place to get a job or receive the guarantee of a college education. You, my good friends, have ALWAYS, through your good works, your contributions, your activism, your votes, SUPPORTED these very kids who come from the other side of the tracks. You NEVER need to be defensive when it comes to your "support" for the "troops" -- you are the only ones who have ALWAYS been there for them.

It is Mr. Bush and his filthy rich cronies -- whose sons and daughters will NEVER see a day in a uniform -- they are the ones who do NOT support our troops. Our soldiers joined the military and, in doing so, offered to give THEIR LIVES for US if need be. What a tremendous gift that is -- to be willing to die so that you and I don't have to! To be willing to shed their blood so that we may be free. To serve in our place, so that WE don't have to serve. What a tremendous act of selflessness and generosity! Here they are, these 18, 19, and 20-year olds, most of whom have had to suffer under an unjust economic system that is set up NOT to benefit THEM -- these kids who have lived their first 18 years in the worst parts of town, going to the most miserable schools, living in danger and learning often to go without, watching their parents struggle to get by and then be humiliated by a system that is always looking to make life harder for them by cutting their benefits, their education, their libraries, their fire and police, their future.

And then, after this miserable treatment, these young men and women, instead of coming after US to demand a more just society, they go and join the army to DEFEND us and our way of life! It boggles the mind, doesn't it? They not only deserve our thanks, they deserve a big piece of the pie that we dine on, those of us who never have to worry about taking a bullet while we fret over which Palm Pilot to buy the nephew for Christmas.

In fact, all that these kids in the army ask for in return from us is our promise that we never send them into harm's way unless it is for the DEFENSE of our nation, to protect us from being killed by "the enemy."

And that promise, my friends, has been broken. It has been broken in the worst way imaginable. We have sent them into war NOT to defend us, not to protect us, not to spare the slaughter of innocents or allies. We have sent them to war so Bush and Company can control the second largest supply of oil in the world. We have sent them into war so that the Vice President's company can bilk the government for billions of dollars. We have sent them into war based on a lie of weapons of mass destruction and the lie that Saddam helped plan 9-11 with Osama bin Laden.

By doing all of this, Mr. Bush has proven that it is HE who does not support our troops. It is HE who has put their lives in danger, and it is HE who is responsible for the nearly 500 American kids who have now died for NO honest, decent reason whatsoever.

The letters I've received from the friends and relatives of our kids over there make it clear that they are sick of this war and they are scared to death that they may never see their loved ones again. It breaks my heart to read these letters. I wish there was something I could do. I wish there was something we all could do.

Maybe there is. As Christmas approaches (and Hanukkah begins tonight), I would like to suggest a few things each of us could do to make the holidays a bit brighter -- if not safer -- for our troops and their families back home.

1. Many families of soldiers are hurting financially, especially those families of reservists and National Guard who are gone from the full-time jobs ("just one weekend a month and we'll pay for your college education!"). You can help them by contacting the Armed Forces Emergency Relief Funds at http://www.afrtrust.org/ (ignore the rah-rah military stuff and remember that this is money that will help out these families who are living in near-poverty). Each branch has their own relief fund, and the money goes to help the soldiers and families with paying for food and rent, medical and dental expenses, personal needs when pay is delayed, and funeral expenses. You can find more ways to support the troops, from buying groceries for their families to donating your airline miles so they can get home for a visit, by going to my website, www.michaelmoore.com.

2. Thousands of Iraqi civilians have been killed by our bombs and indiscriminate shooting. We must help protect them and their survivors. You can do so by supporting the Quakers' drive to provide infant care kits to Iraqi hospitals—find out more here: http://www.afsc.org/iraq/relief/default.shtm. You can also help the people of Iraq by supporting the Iraqi Red Crescent Society—here’s how to contact them: http://www.ifrc.org/address/iq.asp, or you can make an online donation through the International Federation of the Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies by going here: http://www.ifrc.org/HELPNOW/donate/donate_iraq.asp.

3. With 130,000 American men and women currently in Iraq, every community in this country has either sent someone to fight in this war or is home to family members of someone fighting in this war. Organize care packages through your local community groups, activist groups, and churches and send them to these young men and women. The military no longer accepts packages addressed to “Any Soldier,” so you’ll have to get their names first. Figure out who you can help from your area, and send them books, CDs, games, footballs, gloves, blankets—anything that may make their extended (and extended and extended…) stay in Iraq a little brighter and more comfortable. You can also sponsor care packages to American troops through the USO: http://www.usocares.org/.

4. Want to send a soldier a free book or movie? I’ll start by making mine available for free to any soldier serving in Iraq. Just send me their name and address in Iraq (or, if they have already left Iraq, where they are now) and the first thousand emails I get at soldiers@michaelmoore.com will receive a free copy of "Dude..." or a free “Bowling…” DVD.

5. Finally, we all have to redouble our efforts to end this war and bring the troops home. That's the best gift we could give them -- get them out of harm's way ASAP and insist that the U.S. go back to the UN and have them take over the rebuilding of Iraq (with the US and Britain funding it, because, well, we have to pay for our mess). Get involved with your local peace group—you can find one near where you live by visiting United for Peace, at: http://www.unitedforpeace.org and the Vietnam Veterans Against War: http://www.vvaw.org/contact/. A large demonstration is being planned for March 20, check here for more details: http://www.unitedforpeace.org/article.php?id=2136. To get a “Bring Them Home Now” bumper sticker or a poster for your yard, go here: http://bringthemhomenow.org/yellowribbon_graphics/index.html. Also, back only anti-war candidates for Congress and President (Kucinich, Dean, Clark, Sharpton).

I know it feels hopeless. That's how they want us to feel. Don't give up. We owe it to these kids, the troops WE SUPPORT, to get them the hell outta there and back home so they can help organize the drive to remove the war profiteers from office next November.

To all who serve in our armed forces, to their parents and spouses and loved ones, we offer to you the regrets of millions and the promise that we will right this wrong and do whatever we can to thank you for offering to risk your lives for us. That your life was put at risk for Bush's greed is a disgrace and a travesty, the likes of which I have not seen in my lifetime.

Please be safe, come home soon, and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you during this season when many of us celebrate the birth of the prince of "peace."

Yours,

Michael Moore
mmflint@aol.com
www.michaelmoore.com

Fuck you Media Play. I hate you.

I hate your shiney, smilely bubbly sales girls who pretend to care if you "need help finding anything".

I hate your giant 9X9 video wall that shows up in 9 different tones, I feel like I'm watching a fucking disco floor.

I hate your 38 different brands of CDRs in my face and the really cheap ones are always hidden.

I hate your dumbass novilty T-shirts of bands that were popular 6 years ago.

I hate the guitars in a box you trick ignorant grandparents into buying for their grandkids.

I hate how if I have to go to the bath room I have to set my desired purchases on a table outside...and when I come back they're gone, because one of your bubbly girls assumed someone had left them there and moved them.

I hate your giant stupid fucking gumball machine by the exit door. Those fucking jawbreakers have been around for a century and people still buy them even though they know they don't like them.

I hate your books. 83 million copies of Harry Potter and the Rock's autobiography, but only one copy of any work by shakespere...and it's fucking Othello or something.

I hate the pervs that hang around the playboy and anime' videos for fucking 4 hours. You're fat enough buddy, beleive me, you've seen tits before...every day in the mirror.

I hate your so-called "techno-dance" section. A thousand damn CDs and they're all groups and DJ's that were popular to candy-ravers in 95. They're not buying those CDs anymore, trust me; any brain-cells they had were shot by 97. Now they live in a shitty run down apartment with piss stains on the carpet while their kids they didn't want crawl around the floor dodging the overturned vodka bottles. Everytime they hear anything remotely like electronic music now they spring up and yell "I love techno! I used to go to RAVES!"

Fuck you, fuck your fucking replay card. You ask me every goddamn time if I want to sign up, and every fucking time I say no. Don't fucking act like it saves me money, if it didn't help you get the money out of my pocket and into your cash registers, you wouldn't offer it. The next girl that asks me if I want to sign up for a replay card I'm going to tell her yes. Then I'm going to take the card, break it in half, slit her throat with it, then slit my own. Yes, I am willing to take my own life and the lives of others out of spite towards psudo-customer savings and rewards.

Fuck your special orders. Twice I've fallen for putting a down payment on a CD and it never came in. Of course I didn't keep the slip that proves I paid the 5 bucks so I can get it back. This brings me to the reason I hate you the most: I hate the fucking double CD pack that I ordered, took home and opened up, only to discover that one of the discs was broken in half. I was extremely tempted to take the shattered disc and start slittin' throats. Now I have to wait another goddamn week for a CD you should have stocked to begin with. I hate you media play. With every ounce of my being, I hate you. May Walmart put you out of business.

I had an odd dream. This blog was some kind of harbinger of the apocalypse. Through my actions and words on it, I spread a deadly virus. The first people that read it would become the initial carriers, and infect the world. Scientists were having me do physical scans of my computer looking for this virus. When you were infected with the virus, it wouldn't show up for a day or two, then all of the sudden you would get sick and die within a few hours. I asked the scientists to test me to see if I had it. They told me that it didn't matter, because they suspect that enough people had it by now that it would infect the rest of the population anyway. They told me not to worry, because I'd probably be dead before I suffered for very long. So I watched everyone around me drop dead, and I either couldn't do anything about it, or I didn't do anything about it because I was scared. More and more people died. Their eyes began to bleed and they started talking all backwards before they died. I kept waiting for my turn, waiting to die. Before I knew it I was all alone, everyone was dead. I looked around at all the corpses, blood, death and destruction. I was all alone; alone on a quiet, dead planet. Misery washed over me and I began to scream, and I never stopped until I realized something. I didn't fear death; this scenario was exactly what I feared; being alone. This was the worst possible thing that could have happened to me. This was my hell. Perhaps I had died... Did it matter?

The dream (like most of mine) isn't that hard to figure out, despite its cryptic and confusing themes.

1. The Blog: I sit relatively alone on here. It's me vs. the world basically.
2. The Virus: I have this issue that I think everything that goes wrong around me can be at least partially attributed to my action or inaction.
3. Infecting the world: An exaggerated version of my thinking...something I write somehow spawns a virus that kills the world.
4. Being the last one: My irrational fear of being alone.
5. Hell/Dying: I don't believe in god and so don't believe in hell, but I understand the concept behind it. I kill the world, so there's some guilt involved in that. Just as when something goes wrong in my real life, or the lives of those close to me, there's irrational guilt. Hell=Guilt.
6. "Did it matter?": Being alone on earth living with the guilt was as good as being dead and in hell.

I have finally gotten the guestbook back up. I know people have been trying to sign it because I keep getting error message sent to my email about it.

I'm in the mood to do some Movie Reviews today.

The Last Samurai:

This is a hard film to judge. On the one hand I loved it. And on the other hand, it's the same plot ( almost verbatum it seems ) as Dances With Wolves. Just replace the Suex Indians with a tribe of Samurai, shave off an hour in length and you've got the same movie. Also, I'm not really into glorification of war and death. There's alot of "It's an honor to die in battle" Klingon-ish type bullshit that's suposed to provoke some kind of emotional responce in the veiwer, I'm just never sure what it is. Also, the movie portrays Samurai's to be this perfect bunch of people with perfect lives and pure ideals. It portrays what Samurai's are suposed to be like, but with any group of people, nothing is perfect...and that isn't shown here. Maybe that was part of the point of the movie though...to show the contrast of the ancient ways to the modern ways. Maybe showing it too realisticly would only distract the viewer. Who knows. But despite my problems with it, I'll still give it 4/5 "stars". It's very good, but it falls short of being great.

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World:

I'd lump this in to have a similar feel to Last Samurai, directing and writing/dialog wise. The movie is exciting, with clever plot twists. I'm not completely in love with all of the characters though. I like Russel Crowe no matter what he does, and the guy who plays the doctor is pretty good. Other than that, nothing spectacular acting wise. I'm just happy somebody made a swashbuckling sea adventure that wasn't Pirates of the Carrabean. The ending is a little weak. The Captain pretty much lays out a plan, then they execute it. No suprises. 4/5 stars.

Here we go again. I have this sick urge to stress about everything. I just got done stressing about one thing, now I've moved on to another. I think it's like my crack cocaine.

I'm starving right now, but I know I'm not hungry. I think I ate today.

I don't know what else to write about this. It's just this persistant feeling. I don't know what to do about it. It's turned from idle thoughts to a persistance in my mind. Never before has it been so bad.

I don't know how much longer I can keep up like this. I'm sitting here alone in the dark with no one to talk to but my self. Is anyone else out there? Let me know, say hi at the bottom of this post. It's making me crazy really. Like those isolation experiments. It's like someone's playing an experiment on me. An experiment to see how long I can go. It's like there's these black walls up all around me. Not like concrete, or lead...just, blackness. Of course they're not letting any light in, so I'm of course, in the dark. It's not depressing, it's sad; if that makes any sense. I've avoided it for so long. It's not that I'm starving, it's just that I'm ready. And I was probably ready awhile go, I just didn't realize it. People make me smile, every day. Every day I have little moments to be thankful for. But it's also like not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from. These are all just shallow, breif moments. Where's the good shit at. Do I have ideas? Sure, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. But that's not really what matters. What matters is that I'm done doing whatever I've been doing, ready to go forward...right here, right now, that's the important part. Breathe, put on your shoes, put on your coat and hat...walk out through the door.

audio post powered by audblog

Thoughts on Planet of the Apes (2001, Tim Burton)



I just watched this movie again after seeing it when it first was released. Apparently there is some controversy over the ending. If you're not familiar with the ending, here's the summery: After leo davidon's ordeal with the ape planet in the future, he returns to earth during his time period to discover that somehow earth has been overrun by apes and now they are the dominant speices. the end. roll credits.

Reading through some message boards I found some expected comments, such as "The ending was stupid and didn't make any sense", "The movie was stupid and they just put the confusing ending to try to cover that up". I really like when people think that they can automatically persuade you by saying things like "Just face it already...this was a horrible movie". As if "just face it..." is some kind of imperical evidence. Whenever a movie ending is puzzling, shmucks come out of the woodwork running their mouths about how stupid it was. Shuddap.

The explanation from Tim Burton and Fox: There is no explanation...it's open for interpretation, it's suposed to make you think and theorize.

Which it has, I've read many many theories...all of which over complicate the issue and either miss very important aspects of the movie, or misinterprate events in the movie.

The biggest missinterpretation: Peraclies' return. When peraclies decends from the sky, he is MISTAKEN for Cemos, the ape god. He IS NOT meant to be Cemos. Cemos is the actual ape god, and Thade's ancestor, Pereclies has nothing to do with Thade.

The apes on the planet are: Ancestors of Cemos and his lot.
The humans on the planet are: Ancestors of those who escaped Cemos.

Now that we've gotten that cleared up, remember one fact that I think gets lost a little bit in the movie but is critial. Thade is only person who knows where Davidson's original Pod landed. He wanted it this way, as he killed his lackies that saw it first.

Now remember what the Ex-general from Thade's army says, "Thade will stop at nothing, he will never stop coming" This too, is critial. Now add those 2 things togeather along with the time-bending electrical storm between the two worlds, and you have a locial explanation.

Mind you, it still has some holes, but I think it's the best idea yet.

All-in-all it was suposed to be a cliff-hanger for the sequal...however tim burton has said he would rather "jump out of a window" than make a sequal for fox.

I am in desperate need of a good night's sleep tonight. I've had a long day it seems. Sitting, listening, pretending to care.

I just watched 'Hannibal'. That movie gives me the creeps. It has an unsettling mood about it.

I'm bored. So very bored. I feel pretty good today. I mean physically. Of course, I have a cold and everything, but that usually isn't so bad. They say sneezing is the second best feeling next to an orgasm. When I get colds they're just 'tired' colds, if you know what I mean. I don't typically get painful colds.

I figured out today that it doesn't take much to make me happy. And it's not so much that "happy" is the word I'm looking for. It doesn't take much to lift my spirits, or boost my confidence. Someone I know paid me a very simple compliment yesterday. It was nothing major, but it seemed like the person meant it. I think I had a better day because of it and it perhaps carried over to today a little bit. And perhaps even saying it lifted my spirits isn't exactly accurate. It relaxed me. It put me at ease. A little of all those things I guess.

I'm not sure what I want to write about. It's like alot of things are on the tip of my tounge the past few days, but I can't seem to get them out.

I'm not sure what to write about today, I just felt like writing. I think I'll post an amusing page from a simpsons comic...

Today has been a long day accomapanied with a cloud of some sort hanging over me.

I wish I had time to talk to people anymore. I'm always going to work, school, or wasting my fucking life away fixing the website. My friend has been asking me to work on some music with him for like 2 weeks, but I havn't had time. I want to work on music again. I want to have enough energy to get out of bed before 11 am. I want to read. I want order and cohearance to my thoughts. I want to not have a headache all the time. I want consilience. I want providence.

I've been so ill at ease this past week I've almost lost it emotionally a couple of times. Not to mention the couple of times I wanted put my fist through the face of this guy I work with who insists on acting like a tough guy and getting into some macho-physical competition with me every time I walk past him (ya know, the kinda guy that likes to slug you in the arm to say "hi"). I feel the rage bubbling up that took me so long to manage. My parents were ready to put me in a straight jacket and have me hauled off to an institution at one point. How good it would feel to put my fist through a windsheild right now. I guess that's part of why I write here, to save on the cost of stitches. With some people it's useless...they've got anger problems no matter what...with me, as long as I can talk to someone, I'm ok. It's not even like I'm mad at people, I'm mad at myself mostly.

.

I've never hurt another person. I'm always at the threshold of losing it though. The threshold of frustration, or..whatever. I'm your classic pent-up repressed anger kind of person. I'm alot of things I guess. If you read through my journal I talk about alot of my inner strife, struggles, quirks, whatever...alot of them are petty, alot of them are spur of the moment rants, alot are bullshit, but whatever they may be, I have yet to find a common link between any of them. Perhaps the incohearance and inconsistancy of the problems I think have says something about them (or me).

This whole anger thing is just something that's plauged since I was very little. Not too much I can do about that except deal with it on a day to day basis. I'm constantly fighting the urge to blaim other people for my problems. Ya know, "take responsability for yourself". I think we all do that. I say don't fight the urge. I say get up in the fucking faces of all the people that have fucked you up, put you down, or screwed you over and let THEM know that they should take responsability for how they treat other people. I'm gonna be sick if I hear one more person say "people today should take responsability for their own actions". They say people are trying to obsolve guilt. I say it's just as much or more the people who are making these claims are trying to obsolve themselves of the guilt of being assholes, bigots and cheats. Am I trying to say that whatever you do is not your fault? No. What I'm saying is, that like so many things, your existence, your being, and your actions are the result of many many many things (including your own desisive actions). To say "take responsability for your own actions" is dangerously simplified. I read that schiztophrenia has dozens of factors that contribute to the condition. You can isolate these factors and somewhat reduce the risk of developing it, but it's impossible to say one thing causes it. ( genetics is only slightly responsable).

So am I going to get in these people's faces any time soon? Problably not...all it will cause ismore anger I'm sure. I kinda need less of that.

My headache is coming back

Sometimes I think I'm repeating myself in these things. Ah well, what can you do. I just finished writing the rough draft of an english paper that's due tomorrow and I couldn't be more apathetic.

In theory, I like change. I like the idea of it; the concept behind it. I know I'm being very general but I'll get to my point in a moment. What is it about change that I think is positave? I dunno...I supose it gives us the opportunity to grow, to learn something new. I supose just even so we won't get so bored. (note to self: I really hate using the term "we" as-in "human kind",try to avoid it in the future) I must stress that in THEORY I like change. In reality, I seem to hate it. It scares the shit out of me. It makes me sick...literally, I get nausious. New poeple, places, foods, TV shows...all of it. I like my routines. I like watching the same movies over and over again (and yet I buy new ones all the time...but it that really "change"? I'll get to that...) I like sitting in the same booth and my favorite resturant ( that I go to all the time as my routine ) I like buying the same brand of clothing, bottled water, CDR, etc. I like my work schedual to be regular (have the same days off, same shift times). I like wearing the same hat all the time (though it smells pretty bad, I should wash it). Why though? Some people might call this obsurd, I call it quirky...but whatever. The reason is, I want to be remembered for things. It doesn't matter to me if I'm remembered for curing cancer or always wearing the same brand socks, just as long as I'm remembered. And I figure the more of these quirks I have, the greater the chance someone will remember them. I honestly don't think this way on a councious level and it's just a theory really, but it's a plausable one. Why do I get scared at change? Because I'm comfortable I guess. I personalize everything around me, or at least I try to. And it seems to me the longer something in my life in consistantly there, the more personal it becomes. Maybe it's just because I remember people in this way. I'll remember my boss's bright pink blazer . I'll remember my dad's alarm clock that he's had for 20 years that makes the same sound every morning at 5:30. I'll remember my grandfather's "Uncle Sam" coin bank (you'd have to see it). These little things make up our lives, and some people don't even think about them. I have trouble letting myself delete old emails because I think they're somehow a part of me now. Not just junk either, whole people. I psychologically "personalise" people too. But just very general things about them. They are part of what makes up my universe, and presumably I am somewhat overlapped in their universe. You can't just go around removing and moving things in that universe. You should need a signed permit or something. I'm writing this for a couple reasons. One being that someone in my family might be sick. I'm not sure. Nobody tells me much.

Whenever change is inevidable, I eventually adjust, cope, and personalize the new situation (in my pysche, I hate when people paint their names on their mailboxes). But I do so with the feeling the world will never know about the old situation, almost as if it never happened.

I like these orange pants I'm wearing right now. I want to be burried in them.

I could look at this "change" thing from a few different angles. Another angle is my irrational paranoia of day to day occurances. It's like..."Hmmm...I know you, you're ok...but you...I don't know you, you might be plotting to steal my kidneys..."

I have class in the morning and I have so much to catch up on. Goodnight Sharon (that's what I named my computer).

I don't really like the abrasive self. I don't like getting pissed off, acting pushy, or like a general asshole. First of all, it doesn't work too well for me. I'm not a "macho" person by any means. Me acting like an asshole comes off as someone who's not an asshole trying to act like one. Which, in a way, makes me seem like even more of an asshole...because then that shows direct intent. I don't like yelling. I don't like being yelled at. I like speaking in a calm, relaxed tone. Even laughing can be unsettling for me at times. I like breathing, not hyperventalating or suffocating. I'm the kind of person who likes the journey more than the destination. I like the imagined more than the real. I find art and the surreal in everyday things.

And I worry, I fear, and I panic at the sight of EVERYTHING.

A series of new DVD reviews:

Willard:

This moive made me smile. I am unsure why this movie flopped in the theatres (there is a bonus documentary about it's troubled upbringing on the disc). Crispin Glover plays Willard Stiles, a loner with a sick mother and a dead end job at his late father's company. As his depression and madness spirals, he discovers he can control the rats in the basement that his mother wants him to exterminate. Willard now his own army to do his bidding. And whats a good horror film without themes of revenge, mistrust, and betrayal; only in this case it's also the rats getting revenge,and do the betraying.

The movie has a very antiquated feel which makes for a spooky and unsettling atmosphere. Crispen Glover as Willard is simply too perfect.

Matrix Reloaded:

I won't say too much about this, because I'm sure most people have either seen it, or are not interested in it. I think it's better than the original. The story is bigger, the characters are deeper, and the visuals more stunning. There's some nice bonus material: Previews for Revolutions,several 'making of' spots, commercial developemnt etc. I was amazed at the crispness of the dvd transfer.

and now the one I really wanted to talk about...

Scarface (20th anniversary edition)

I had never seen this movie before I bought it. I consulted a few co-workers on it before buying it and assured me it was a classic, and it may be...but...I will outline my likes and dislikes...

likes:
-Tony Montana (obviously). I now understand why this was such a popular character. The guy is smart, ruthless, determined, and has got balls of steel.
-The remastering. The movie was made 20 years ago but almost looks like it came out yesterday.
-I get the whole American Dream gone haywire message. It's a good message, but I don't think it was emphasised in the ways it should have been in the movie.

dislikes:
-The sound. Yeah, I understand it's an early 80's movie, but there seems to be too many inconsistancies and fluxuations in the mastering ( and this is the remastered version). Bad choice of music, I would have taken the movie alot more seriously if the soundtrack was scored instead of taking whatever was popular in 83 and shoving it in the backround. It ruins it's timelessness.
-Disturbing. At the same time this is one of my likes. It's very depressing. Anytime a movie shows the ritzy upper class I find it depressing for some reason. Not so much a fault of the movie as it is a personal turn off.
-Manolo (manny). He seemed too pretty-boy-ish and not gangster enough.

In closing, I think Scarface is good, but overrated. Not a personal classic to me. (yet)

My dreams are pretty shallow. They're usually about something I'm nervous or insecure about. However I keep having a reoccuring flying dream. It's not like normal flying though. Not like Superman. It's more like, being at the bottom of a swimming pool, and kicking yourself up to the top. The sensation doesn't feel supernatural in any way. It feels as though when I wake up I could do it. It feels like it's something you have to learn, not something gifted to you. And, per usual of me, these dreams are always accomapied by a sense of panic. It feels like my heart is going to leap out of my chest. This last flying dream was also accompanied by a shallow recurring theme of me beating the shit out of someone with my bare hands (I won't mention who). I've never felt so much raw anger. I want to break something now.

So very bored. Just got off a slow night at work. The site revamp is coming along slowly. Running into many many many bugs that I didn't know existed. School is interesting. 2 of my classes are 3 hours and 45 minutes long once a week. By hour 3 I'm ready to start slittin some wrists. And not nesisarily my own. In marketing we got into an hour discussion on why they put toys in happy meals. People in my class were saying things as if previously it were a big secret that kids like toys and subsequently want happy meals. When I found the meaning of life it was slightly more prfound than that. 2/3 of that class are church going zealots who are persuing marketing or business majors, for some reason them taking an interest in something as shallow as business and marketing doesn't suprise me. You don't see too many zealots in physics classes. I wrote down in a servey for my english class that I keep a journal...somehow I doubt my teacher had this in mind.

My my I'm bitter tonight.

Been slacking and not writing. Have alot on my mind, I think. I start my school next week. I put off signing up and getting loans untill the very last minute. I think I was trying to screw it up so I wouldn't be able to go. Fortunatly there was a stronger part of my brain that was telling me that I should do it, and that side won.

I've been slacking on my music and the website...it crashed, but that's a story for another day. I will update this later. Check back.

I havn't had a whole lot to write about lately. Nothing really spectacular happening, nothing pissing me off to bad. I've mostly been working on updating the main site (rhythmicunrest.com), and working in the sleezpit known as Mountain Jacks. I was gonna put this thing up from Micheal Moore, but I think I deleted it from my email accidentally.

I bought "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" On dvd. It's mildly funny, mildly disturbing, and slightly more than mildly depressing. I wish they would have showed more of the Gong Show stuff, but there was really only one scene like that.

The Mars Volta is now ( in my book ) crowned as the greatest living rock band. I got a copy of Deloused in the Comatorium from a friend. I was blown away (and I don't say that very often). It's emotional and haunting. It's the single most creative album I've heard in many many years. If you liked At the Drive In (though I hesitate to even compare), The Mars Volta is what they were, but more ambicous, intelligent, and mature. Just listen to it.

I havn't gone to sleep before 6 am in weeks.

Blogger added new features today, I'm so happy I could have an accident.

I'm not having very much fun today.

sitting here in the middle of the night in my hot bedroom working on music. I desperatly want to finish these 2 songs I'm working on but I'm only making small dents at a time. did I mention it was hot in here. perhaps I should turn on the fan. the constant droning of the sound is giving me a headache. i wonder what kind of headache it is, I never can tell. work was, mentally draining per usually. while putting the sour cream on the baked potatos I look down and begin to wonder if my brain is starting to look like that.

Blogger has been down for the past half hour and I have been waiting patiently for it to come back up.

So there's an outside possibility the resturaunt I work at could be closing. The new owners come in tuesday to breath down our necks. I wish I didn't have to work. Such is life I guess.

Easy mac is so good I could just puke.

Had an ok weekend at work. bout fell asleep at the wheel on friday though. looking forward to my day off monday. I just rented the ring, havn't seen it before.

I had one of the most boring days in my life today. Hung around my house till about 4, went to media play and bullshitted for an hour, went to my work to eat and BSed with ashley for a few, came home and watched tv, then went to see freddy vs. jason. It was pretty bad.

I'm not tired.

I've been having sleepwalking problems lately. A few weeks ago I got up really early in the morning and called my grandparents for a reason in which I am still unclear of. Today I woke with a stomach ache and the remains of alot of half eaten food that I don't remember eating next to me.

Made a little trip to Guitar Center yesterday, and of course ended up spending more money than I intended. And, of course the people there didn't know what the fuck they were talking about when I asked them questions. Havn't completely figured out all the features on this compressor yet, but I'm getting there. There's a rack EQ that I want to get as well. I feel like norton in fight club...like I have to have all this shit before I can feel complete. I just don't want to have any limitations in my music making. I don't want to be in a position where I can't do something just because I don't have the equipment. If I can't do something, I want it to be because I'm incompetant.

Fuck all this construction bullshit. I just spent nearly 3 hours on a ride that normally takes me 30 minutes tops. Now, had I known about all the closed freeways and roads, I probably could have made it in an hour, a reasonable time. But I spent the entire night running into dead ends and driving back and forth. This is the last time the Michigan Department of Trasportation makes a fool out of Trevor McKee.

Rage. A good word, describes alot of what I feel on a moment to moment basis. I feel it for alot of reasons. I feel it every night when I come home...this is usually accompanied by the desire to drink. Wish I could afford to right now. I'm feeling a bit of rage right now; I'm typing on my keyboard and for some reason it's not level on my desk, so it's wobbling with every key that I hit. I feel like throwing it against the wall. I broke my last keyboard that way; though, it wasn't because it wasn't balanced.

I feel it at myself. I don't know what to do. Nobody tells me this stuff. I just fucking wing it every day of my life. I get into situations, people start saying stuff at me...who the fuck knows what they're talking about. Mostly I beleive they don't even know what they're saying. I hear the tone of their voice, not like the attitude, I mean the actual tone eminating from the backs of their thoats. I notice that everyone has one voice "sound", and all the words are formed by variations of that one sound. It's hard to describe what I mean. Mine kind of sound is like humming a really low note, but I don't have that low of a voice. Some people's sounds are like parots. Some people's are soft. My point is, some people's tones just enduce this inner rage, I don't know why. They speak and my head starts caving in. It's like as soon as they open their mouths you can see right into their brains and hear all the bitterness, (I should talk) hatred, and self importance. My point? People should simply talk less. There are very few situations where I talk alot. Work might be one of them, depending on my mood and what day it is. If people would just shut up I think we'd have alot less problems in the world. Speaking is probably the worst idea we've ever come up with. Toasters are pretty stupid too.

I feel rage after I've been in a situation and I replay the events in my head. Hi, my name is self-doubt. I think this has to do with my personality changing from place to place. Who I am at home is not who I am at work, or a club, or the bar, or the record store. I leave these places and think "who the fuck was that person?". Person to person is the same way of course. I get confused if I'm with more than one friend at a time, and not even on a concious level. I'm quiet when I A. first meet a person, or B. When 2 friends are in the same room togeather. It's like I have to test the new dynamic or something. A+B doesn't = A and B to me. It ammounts to some abstract dynamic that has to be evaluated in my mind.

I think I'll put my fist through a wall now.

Losing all hope gives it to me. Knowing that this expance won't change, that nothing will occure. Knowing that you can drive for hours and still experience the same thing. Knowing where I'll be in 20 years. Anything can happen, and yet it's all the same. So many paths and choices, but how different are they from one another?

This town is miles and miles of concrete and street lights and housing and liquor stores and video stores. Each one tells a different story, but each is only a variation the central theme. We can't help it. This structure is the necisary evil that makes our lives possible. The subtle variations can be deceptive. This blog exists within the confines of that concrete ocean and yet is invisible to most of it's inhabitants in a coporeal sense. It has made my thoughts more transmittable than most anyone else, no matter how great their IQ's or communication skills. It exists physically only as a code on a device no bigger than my hand somewhere thousands of miles away, yet it's life is here, in this ocean. Our thoughts, our ideas, can be transmitted from this expance to others. Each of us now are tiny conduits in a massive network, one that was made possible by and created by what is now the second layer of that network.

This is an ocean of finite possibilites, of which we've barely tapped. You are only limited in one ocean, but there are others, the number of which may not be finite. Losing hope gives it to me.

Reality is much more apealing when it's blurred or filtered. Often it's blurred by time. How much time is it going to take I wonder for now to become apealing.

Conflict. The same type of shit I used to try to run away from. It just keeps cropping up in different forms. People so wrapped up in themselves they think everyone different from them or anyone not willing to apease their ego is smaller. Sorry, I don't play ball anymore. Go fuck yourself. I'm not perfect, but I'm not an attention starved brat either.

Some blackout, it didn't even last 24 hours for us. As is well I guess. I start to hallucinate in the dark.

Whenever I'm around people there's this ever present sense of guilt or shame.

All these little stupid and embarassing moments to make up this stupid and embarassing thing we call life.

Night after night I stay up watching moives. Reality is boring. What am I looking for I wonder.

goals for thursday:

1. Finish "auk12"
2. Put up lofi mixes on the site
3. Design crap for shirts and hats

You can't do everything. There's no point in even trying. Your only hope is to be the kind of person that only thinks one or two things in this world are important. Otherwise, if you're like me, you're constantly conflicted. Everything is so fragile, each thing resting on something else, that if fails, topples the house of cards above it. There's more adventure to be had at the top of the tower, but how afraid of heights are you?

Some days I don't want to admit that I'm awake.

It's been one of those days where I havn't had anything to do except stare at the television and now my head hurts. I finally saw the first Bad Boys movie, I don't think there was anything too special about it. I guess it's the characters you're supposed to like, not the movie.

Terminator 3 was ok. Kinda unexciting though. Just seems like the same exact story as t2, only this time TX is sent to kill john connor instead of T-1000. Anorld is a dope. Something about him saying "talk to the hand" doesn't sit right with me, cheap gag or not. They claimed it to be this great big special effects hoopla but I didn't see anything that really impressed me. The girl who played TX is pretty hot. The skynet machines were pretty cheesy looking. They looked like something that would be in a spykids movie. I pity stalone for resorting to being in those.

For some reason this seems to be a pain in the ass to me; writing, even though at the end of the day I like doing it. I'm only writing now because it's saturday night and I have absolutely nothing to do. All my freinds are busy or out of town and I can't even watch TV because my nephew is staying over and sleeping in the living room. Alot has been going-ALOT. I think I only tend to write the moderate stuff, the stuff that doesn't matter all that much, and for some reason I always leave off the important stuff. Maybe I think that other people won't think it's all that important. What do I care what people think.

Subjects I've been meaning to write about:

1. Alchohol and it's dark effects
2. My music interests as of late
3. My future educational endevours
4. The Future.
5. My experience at scott's party/standards of expectance
6. The opposite sex
7. My job/the general remenisence effect
8. Why I sometimes have "sucker" written on my forehead
9. "Gravity"
10. Internet subcultures

I guess I'll start with #1 and just wing it. How did anyone ever get in this mess? Drinking is just a bad idea for alot of reasons I've figured out. And not so much drinking in and of itself, but drinking in uncontrolable situations. If you're at a bar or at home with a friend, that's one thing, but if you're at a party with a hundred people you don't know, that's another. All of this stuff has been said before, so I'm just going to move into how it effects me.

It's like the room dims. I think outloud, which isn't always good. I repeat things over and over, and not just in the same night, I'll talk about something one time I'm drunk, then talk about it every single time after that. I talk sooo much shit about people. Shit that I don't even really mean. It's like I've got to put other people down to take attention away from the fact that I'm acting like a fool at present. I can't remember things, or what I just said for more than a few seconds, so I'm more apt to say foolish things. It's not that I don't have control over what I'm saying, I just stop caring about it because I know I'm not gonna remember it in literally 2 seconds. But from moment to moment, I'm perfectly aware of whats going on. I get depressed, it doesn't releave depression for me. It makes me think about whatever troubles I have continueously. It makes what ever I'm doing surreal, and somehow seem more meaningful at the time. I guess I can see how people get cought up in it. It's a way of life for some people, it's a topic of conversation, it's what to do after work or during any source of entertainment. They become dark. They slip into this depressing hole that causes continous problems. None of my friends are bad really, but I've seen it. And those are the people I choose not to be friends with. It stops them dead in their tracks. I guess this could apply to other drugs to. It keeps them from growing, and learning. All that's important to them is the next "fun thing", whatever that means. I hate "fun things". They do nothing but get you in trouble. I like art in all it's forms, mostly music...to me theirs a difference between spending your time appreciating artforms, or nature for that matter, and doing "fun things". Fun has always been a word I've had trouble defining. I used to draw comic books and such, and people used to ask me "don't you like to go out and have fun?". I thought about that, and wasn't sure what they meant by that. I was sitting in my room drawing because I thought I could accomplish something, a finished product. To me, that's fun I guess. acheivement. No acheivement can ever come out of drinking. I've only been "too" drunk once, and I hated every second of it (even before I started feeling sick, I don't like not being in control of myself). I was not having fun. So I guess I'm saying, when are these people ever going to grow? Whats so fun about having fun if you've got nothing to show for it. It's not what you have, it's what you leave.

I'll skip number 2 for the time being. School, oh boy school. I've finally decided to put my life togeather into some sort of meaningful order. Why did I stop going before? Who knows really. I wanted to move out, which didn't happen. I didn't know what I wanted to study. I think most of it was I was just burnt out on school. I shouldn't have gone right after highschool. When I stopped going it was a strange point in my life. I was dating this girl for a short period of time that I really liked, it wasn't meant to be but she got me thinking about alot of things. The futility of it all really. She was right, I'm not denying that, but I want a means to fuck some shit up. Also that was right around the week airplanes were falling out of the sky and knocking down skyscrappers and governemental defence structures. It's kinda hard taking anyone telling you that you need to get a degree so you can get a job that feeds off of a system that makes the rest of the world poor and resent you seriously when 3000 people who did just that were just blinked out of existance in two smoldering mountains of rubble for it.But basically now, I want the money to fund my little projects. So I decided to go to school for something I do now anyway, may as well make it offical. How I hate money and capitalism and goverment and the whole nine yards, but what can you do eh, I'm also a game theory guru and I've come to realize it probably couldn't have been any other way. My education is going to be completely career oriented, which kinda bothers me. Will I use my knowlage to make the world a better place? I don't know, I guess I just want to make noise; literally and figurativly. Bachelors of Web Developement, here I come.

I'm done writting for right now, I will update this post later.

for some reason seeing the ataris play the boys of summer on jimmy kimmel last night was cool.

anyone who likes steven sagal movies fucking sucks.

Hurray, today we got the new server. Fireworks are loud.

Went to Ryan's Steakhouse today for the most disgusting buffet ever experienced. The worst was the machine processed ice cream. It was all slimey, and well, it's hard to discribe.

People needlessly complicate everything. To big things all the way down to the smallest thing like paying the paperboy. JUST DO IT. Take a deep breath, don't panic, and just do it, it'll be ok, I promise. Don't add 12 or 15 steps to a one step job. Don't think about it any farther into the future than can be controlled at present. Arhg.

You feel certain things. Doesn't matter what they are always, but they're there. Really being able to see a person is like looking at one of those 3D magic eye pictures, you have to relax your eyes to see the real picture; otherwise it's just a scrambled mess. You let go, and just let these things come at you, and let these things happen to you. It almost doesn't matter what the outcome is, what's important is the feeling. It feels like breathing. Simple as that I guess. breathing...

The sun peaks through the trees and shines off the pavement. It's like that Adam F song "circles"...ever hear it? Things happen in slow motion, but it a good way. Everything echos and sustains. Everything is a living thing, not just the people, animals and plants. Everything is like a melody, a song. Every touch becomes signifant. The sweat on your forehead, the bark of a tree, the rough texture of an icecream cone. A dizzy dream.

I can't do anything more than whats in me to do. No regrets, no looking back. You've done the best you can.

I'm sooooooooo fucking bored right now. As rob gordon would say, I could take the country A-K and throw it in the middle of the street. n/m. I'm so stir crazy, I've been out of my house lots, but I feel like I havn't moved in weeks. It seems like every time I want to hang out with someone they're busy. I can only do so much to the site before I get sick of the site of that. Some people giving shit on there anyway. Met a really nice person who I am intrigued by. Sort of get the feeling I'm not good enough though. First time I've ever got that feeling...wonder what that means. I'm such a cocky asshole sometimes

The DEMF is the weekend. They're calling it "movement" from now I guess. I'm meeting the "rhythmic unrest" gang at foran's on saturday. I'm not sure who I really want to see at the festival, I'll probably just wander around like always. Probably spend alot of time at the nefarious.net booth down by the river. Most of the dnb dj's play on Sunday, though I kinda think I need something besides that right now in my life. It's getting droning.boom-chat boomchat boom-chat boomchat boom-chat boomchat boom-chat boomchat.........

I've been playing around with my new synthasizer lately. I've been trying to clean my room to make room for it. It's not that this thing is big, it's that more is just that messy.

Spent much of today sorting through many of my records. They were all a mess; records in wrong sleeves, no sleeves, out of order, etc. I'm trying to compile a bunch for a mix but I'm having trouble deciding which ones to use. I've got half a mind just to wing it and not plan it at all. Things don't seem to go well when I don't plan them though. I'm pretty sure "winging" it is why I slid through highschool, and stuggled in college (for the time that I went). Winging it is probably why my releationships don't work. I'll come back to that thought in a second. So now my records are organized somewhat, I can proceed. I worked on some music a little bit today too, that's coming along nicely. I'm pleased with what I've done so far.

Now, as far as my friend's girlfriends go. They are fucking annoying and should shut their mouths. All I heard from her all night was 1. How she didn't know what she wanted to do, 2. How she hated what my friend and I ultimatly decided to do. Things brings back such horrible memories of a perticular girlfriend I used to have. All she wanted to do was lay around the house all day and bitch about how life sucks and there's nothing to do. The most exciting thing we ever did was walk to the corner store so she could buy cigarettes (she smoked like a chimney, which made her smell bad.) All this being said, am I really ready to meet someone new right now? Dunno, not like I'm under any pressure; except from my mom, who wants a grand duaghter. I told her sure, I'd have it all figured out really soon. My cousin Megan was also being really clingy with her boyfriend tonight; which reminded me how much I don't like that. I don't mind being emotionally attached, it's the physical part that gets me. I don't like being physically hung on, or my lap sat on, or whatever. They were both sitting in one chair :::shutters::::::

In the words of John Cusak in High Fidelity...

who needs a drink...

I didn't do shit today. I sat around all day, worked on music. Ryan and I were suposed to hit up a bar, but he lost his ID. Oh well, shit happens.

Fairly bored right now. I'm online and there's really nothing to do. Usually there's some issue with the site I need to deal with or some problem I need to fix, but there's nothing tonight. I may just get offline early and read or something.

I did go and see the matrix reloded today. There's alot that could be said about it. First thing I'll say is this; I was slightly disapointed with the "wow" factor of the feel of the movie (probably just because it's a sequel and that already happened with the first one...to an extent), but was impressed on how they expanded the themes of fate, destiny, and choice/freewill. It is also good because now we're deep in the bowels of the story and there's all kinds of interesting little things going on and all of the principle characters have already been introduced. I'm glad it wasn't just a clone of the first one.

Don't ever eat sour jacks and drink fruit punch. Your teeth will hurt afterwords and you'll want to vomit during.

Check out the scary picture I put up on my pictures page.

I just bought a record called "Billion Dollar Gravy" by a group (only one guy now, actually) called London Elektricity. I really like this song. On the surface it just kinda seems like another melodic drum&bass record, but it's the subtlties that make it stand out for me. It has a sort of sad, yet uplifting melody. Like, you just got dumped by your girl, you've been crying all night, and then the sun comes up and it's the most beautiful day. A voice singing "Baby, don't you leave me...." in the backround (hard to tell if it's a high register male, or a female singing it, but it doesn't really matter. It just makes me feel good listening to it.

I'm going to see the second Matrix movie tomorrow. Going to try to go early in the day (1pmish), as to avoid the inevidable madness that will ensue. I made that mistake with seeing Xmen 2. I wanted in a line for a half an hour outside the theatre, then still kinda got shitty seats. Not too mention how loud, crowded, and just generally annoying everyone around me was. I had to deal with all the comic book geeks commenting on the film and making remarks as to the inaccuracy of jean greys hair color or other such irrelevancies. I was one of these poeple untill I realized that I was worrying myself with unimportant matters all the time. Now I worry about music, because that's...just somehow more important...I guess.

7-11 Hotdogs are good if you get them around 2:30 in the afternoon.

"Your first name of Trevor has given you an expressive, diplomatic, and refined nature. Although you have a good appreciation of material values, business ability, and skill in organizing and managing others, your success is restricted by a lack of self-confidence and initiative. You have very expensive tastes, and your desires could well exceed your initiative in providing for them through your own efforts. Personal appearance is important to you. You are always well-groomed yourself, and you judge others by your own standard. You do not like to rough it or use much physical energy. Through your diplomatic ways you are able to call on the assistance of others to avoid such matters. You have good business judgment but lack the confidence to carry out your own ideas unless assisted by an associate. From a desire to eat too many rich foods, your health could suffer through kidney and generative troubles or any problems affecting the fluid functions of the body. "

Went to see Two Towers again tonight at the buck 50 theatre.The popcorn and pop cost 5 times what the movie ticket did. I never tire of seeing movies I like again and again. I'm kind of a nerd when it comes to that stuff. Some woman asked me and joe if we beleived in vampires after the movie in the lobby, I made a break for it and acted like there was an emergancy so joe would have an excuse to leave.

I had a nightmare last night. I took at a job at farmer jack with my mom being a cashier. It was something that was more than easy to handle, only problem was I couldn't look at the computer screen at the stuff I was ringing up. The problem was that the sun was coming in the store windows behind me and it was glaring off the screen. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't read the screen and I was getting really upset and frustrated. It seems like that's the problem with alot of things I have trouble doing; The task is simple enough in and of itself, but some minor thing makes it 10 times more difficult for me. My job in the deep cold would have been alot easier if not for several things really: 1. my left shoe always coming untied, it was always the left one 2. The snot running down my nose 3. Equipment working properly 4. Supplies being where they should be...the list could go on. I guess there's bound to be annoying obstacles with any job though. That's my ultimate frustration though. I think part of me is insecure about being able to do things so I find reasons why I can't do them.

I think I would like to work on some new music, but I have so much unfinished stuff. Maybe one day I will finish all of those songs, but I doubt it.

I am once again unemployed, my last job was a nightmare. I worked in a cold storage freezer that was -10 degrees. My mussles hurt, my nose ran, and my throat hurt constantly. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. I'm kinda back to where I was a year ago, as I have not gotten much done since then. All that I have gotten done as either expired or reverted. That's ok though, I have plans. I shouldn't worry so much, I'm young. I'm still trying to finish a book that I started awhile ago, I'll read it for a week, then put it down for 2, then read it for another week. I get things done, and I do what I set out to do, it just takes me a really long time. This was just sort of a state of affairs BS post. There will be more.

This is my first test posting to what hopefully will be the new page

Mathematics

I think in mathematics. I try to find patterns and forumals. Faces, events, and places don't mean much to me. Names of roads are useless, their numbers are helpful. The only way I can remeber if I talked to a person is if I can put them at a certain place on a certain date; their faces mean little to me at first. Events are a blur; one day to the next is the same to me. I couldn't tell you what year I had my first girlfriend, I'm not even sure how old I was. I know how old am right now. I only know when I graduated highschool by a number, when somebody askes me how long it was, I have to do subtraction in my head. It's been 3 years, but it seems like a lifetime. You would think time would go by pretty quick for a person with bad memory, but it's just the opposite. When time has little relevance it's like, you just are in your life. You're not one place here and another place there...you exist in your entire life all at the same time. I can remember being 5 just as clearly as I can remember being 20. Now the formulas... I try and figure things out by looking for patterns; a set way to operate, and algorhythm to everything that I do. I have one for driving, and eating...I think I've got those down pretty good. Perhaps algorhythm is the wrong word because you should be able to apply one to some what's variables change from day to day. Or perhaps I just havn't come up with a complex enough algorhythm. I think I mentioned driving; I'm fine as long as I go the same way every day; But if a road is closed and there's a detour, it's a nightmare. I can sort out cardinal directions, there's only 4 so that's easy. I can go in one direction untill I recognize a road name...but if it doesn't have an exit number or mile marker there's a good chance I'll make a turn too early and get lost again. I try to find patterns for work too...try to find systems so I can go faster...but it's the little things that slow me down...where did l leave stuff, where am I at...wood or plastic, which way.....Usually I can sort it out in a few minutes..but that's still a few minutes lost, and everyone is in such a goddamn rush for everything. I guess when you have a clear perception of time, it's different, it's a factor and something you live by. I havn't found any deffinate patterns yet. I'll keep looking.